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Not only am I in a soul-draining dead-end job, but I’m also fat and fairly unattractive. I’d draw you a picture, but I have no artistic talent, either.
This year I decided to do something about it. I made the same New Year’s Resolution I make and keep every year: I resolve to keep next year’s resolution. I’ve never failed, so I feel pretty confident that I can make the run again. However, I also made another New Year’s resolution, which is a little more useful. I resolved to lose weight. I started at about 260 and I’m down to around 252ish in four weeks. Not too bad, huh?
My ultimate goal is to weigh 180 pounds by the end of 2006. That’s “80 pounds in 52 weeks” and that sounds like another unwatchable Ashton Kutcher movie, though I would argue that any movie with Ashton Kutcher is, by definition, unwatchable.
To lose 80 pounds in 52 weeks I need to drop about a pound and a half a week and so far I’m doing pretty well. My problem, as I see it, is that I’m too damn smart for this weight loss thing. I’ve always been a pretty cerebral guy and not at all physically inclined. Even as a child I was the last kid to be picked for any team like baseball or soccer. I mean, the VERY last kid.
“We’ll take the blind kid.”
“What about Tom?”
“You can have him. We’ll take the kid in the wheelchair.”
“We don’t want Tom. We’ll take Jimmy.”
“Jimmy died in a car accident three years ago.”
“Yeah, we’ll take him.”
But now I’m really tired of looking like Lumpy from Leave It To Beaver. I’m tired of getting on ferris wheels and having them just rock back and forth like a pendulum. And I’m tired of being told I’m “as sexy as Jabba The Hutt with none of the personal appeal” (thanks, Mom!)
To really lose weight I’ll need to combine exercise with proper eating. First I need to get myself excited about exercising. The trick, I realize, is to see exercising and losing weight as a cerebral activity. The mind and body have to work together. You see, it’s the body that carries the brain around, much like a snazzy car carries around a pimp.
You aren’t going to be impressed by MacDaddy Snarly McNoodle if he’s scooting around town in a 1985 Yugo, but you’ll be impressed to the hilt if his ride is a decked out, jacked up, chromed-all-over new Cadillac Escalade. Right now my brain is riding in the Yugo. My brain wants to drive the Cadillac.
And proper eating is just as important. If you’re driving an Escalade then you sure as heck don’t want to be putting that “regular” gas into it. If you want that baby to hum you’re going to have to put in the Premium Ultra High Octane stuff. The same is true when you’re fueling your body. We all know Twinkies and deep-fried sticks of butter are low grade gas. Fortunately I’ve been eating a lot of high quality fuel in the form of fruits and vegetables lately. And as a result of this dietary change there have been some pretty funky smells coming out of my exhaust pipe, if you know what I mean. My wife certainly does.
I’ll keep you updated on my progress here because, of course, there is nothing more interesting than reading about someone else losing weight. For now, though, I need to continue putting better fuel in this car of mine and thinking gassy thoughts…
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