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I thought I’d give you all an update on how the weight loss is going because I know my fat is your entertainment.
I have, in the course of about a month, lost approximately nine pounds. That’s not too bad when you consider the fact that I really haven’t made too many changes and when you consider that I find a way to cheat on my diet almost every single day.
I’ve taken a good, hard look at myself (with an extra-wide mirror) and decided that I really need to change some of the bad health habits I’ve formed since turning 30 a few years ago. Just look at my sample day:
Right now I roll out of bed after the alarm goes off three times and then, because I’m really lazy, I roll down the hall and take a shower. Then I stumble out of the shower and make myself some coffee. I usually take my coffee with a cup full of sugar and about the same amount of heavy cream. But we run out of cream at least once a week so on those days I just drop in a half stick of butter because, you know, it was milk at one time and I’m not awake enough to notice. I down my cup of lard, kiss the wife goodbye and head off to work.
I’m usually unlocking my car when the caffeine kicks in and I realize I forgot to get dressed. Please don’t ask me where I keep the keys.
After streaking through my yard to get back inside I put on some clothes and head to work and I sit at a computer all day where the most exercise I usually get is bending paperclips into little action figures of my boss who inevitably gets his head stuck in the Stapler of Death. The only time I leave my desk is to grab myself another cup of milk and sugar (with some coffee) and to suck all the jelly out of the donuts in the breakroom while no one is watching.
Then I go to the company’s cafeteria for lunch where I usually get a piece of pizza which is so greasy that it should be priced around $55 a slice, given the high cost of oil. I wash it down with a milkshake (because nothing quenches your thirst better than a large cup of blended ice cream) and buy a brownie for my afternoon snack.
Finally I come home and have a well-balanced meal with my wife and bitch about why I haven’t lost more weight.
I bitch again several hours later when I’m having a slice of cake and a large bowl of ice cream before going to bed.
Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating a tiny bit. But the fact remains that I’m fat and not eating well and not exercising enough. How fat is fat?
I’m now 252.6 pounds. That’s the equivalent of almost two Johnny Depps or three Paris Hiltons or 45 Lindsey Lohans. Clearly, something must be done. I mean, she was hot before she was a stick. And I need to lose some weight, too.
I am losing weight, just not quite as quickly as I would like. I would like to lose it all immediately, so you can see why I’m disappointed. For the month of February I plan to refocus on my weight loss goals, tell you more about my methods and do everything in my ability to weigh in at 240 pounds on March 1st.
If I succeed, then I’ll be well on my way to becoming a healthier person who can entertain you with more wit and wisdom for years to come. If I fail, then you’ll feel much better about yourself while laughing at what a buffoon I am.
You win either way.
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One Response to “I’m Sorta Kinda Maybe Losing Weight”
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Amanda says:
You should really try WarioWare: Smooth Moves. It is very involved and fast paced (from what I’ve heard similar to Rayman in those aspects). At the end of regular play (after you learn all the “forms”) there is a workout segment where you try to burn more “kelories” than your competitor. Theses segments are longer than the 3-5 second microgames featured throughout. Plus, the dancing segment, “Wario Dance Company,” is a laugh riot for everyone in the room.
January 24th, 2007 at 2:57 pm