I’m convinced there is a planet somewhere in our galaxy that specializes in truly awful customer service and it is where Wal-Mart, Kmart and Sears all hire their store associates.
These aliens travel hundreds of light years to work in low-paying dead-end retail jobs as an effort to undermind our world economy and cause the collapse of Human Society as we know it. Then, when all our economic and social support systems have crumbled due to our inability to buy or return any sub-par quality items, they’ll launch a massive attack against us and take over Earth. We humans won’t be able to defend ourselves because we’ll be stuck in long customer complaint lines or lost in the aisles of our local mega store, trying to find out a store associate who can get us a ladder to reach the guns on the top shelf.
And these aliens, they’re tricky. We humans would have caught on years ago if all these super retail outlets had the same sortof lousy customer service. Instead I think there three or four different nations on this planet, each specializing in another form of truly awful customer service.
Wal-Mart employees are mostly hired from the backwater, West Virginia portion of the planet where they teach a customer service system where these aliens learn to truly hate their customers. It’s a seething, vengeful sort of hate that manifests itself in Wal-Mart’s amazing ability to carry every item imaginable to man except for the one item you, as a customer, actually want. On the rare occaisions where they do carry what you want it is inexplicably always out of stock or in a crushed box or missing three vital pieces.
Kmart employees are hired from a portion of the alien planet where they are specifically trained not to notice or acknowledge the existence of customers of any sort. You can see this in your local Kmart when you try to find any sort of help, try to find an open cash register or, god forbid, ever need to deal with any sort of “customer service†related items.
Sears employees are special, though. Sears employees are trained to actually seek out customers (â€For They Are The Sources Of All Commissionsâ€) and even try to appear somewhat helpful, if not a little desperate for a sale. But Sears employees work hard to do everything they can to make you actually want to buy something and then, at the last minute, rip away your ability to do so.
Today I faced the full power of a Sears employee…and lost.
I’m in the market for a new dishwasher. My existing dishwasher dates back to the Eisenhower administration and boasts advanced features such as “On†and “Offâ€. I made the mistake of using this dishwasher once and all my dishes actually came out dirtier than when they went in due to it’s clever method of fighting rust by shooting it onto my plates.
As I amble around the Sears appliances I’m approached by an older, heavyset woman who pretty much embodies every “Before†photo you’ve ever seen in any commercial. I imagine when the lights go on at singles bars all around the world all you have left is the lonely, the desperate, the middle-aged…in other words, the Sears employees. She waddles over to me while I’m looking at the dishwashers and asks, “Looking for a dishwasher?â€
“No, I’m looking for a refrigerator but the light over here is better.â€
She stares at me nervously.
“Yes, I’m looking for a dishwasher…â€
“Oh…good,†she answers. I walk around some more and I see two dishwashers that look nearly identical. One has a price on it, one does not.
“This is really what I’m looking for. What’s the difference between these two?†I ask.
She points to the one with the price, “This is our newer model. And this other one is last year’s model. They have the same features, but this older one is on clearance.â€
“Oh?†I say, interested in saving a few bucks. “How much is the clearance model?â€
“I don’t know.â€
“You don’t know?â€
“No.â€
“Okay….Why don’t you know?â€
“We have a man who comes around and puts up the clearance price. He hasn’t been here today.â€
“Soo… can you find out how much it costs? Because I might want to buy it.â€
“Oh, no. See, the man hasn’t been here today.â€
“Yes, I get that. How do you expect to sell it without knowing the price?â€
“When the man gets here, he’ll put a price on it,†she explains, as if I were a child.
“I understand the concept of a man and I understand the concept of a price. But can’t you ask your manager or call someone and let me know what the price is before this magical man and arrives with his clearance-pricing powers?â€
“Maybe…†she answers and makes no effort to move.
“Okay, so you really don’t want to sell this dishwasher…†I mutter more to myself than to her.
“I’ll be able to give you a price when the man gets here.â€
I sigh. This is getting me nowhere. I have another trick up my sleeve, but based on this initial conversation I don’t have high hopes for it working. I walk over to another model and pull out a piece of paper with the identical model on it.
“I understand you have a price matching policy. This is proof that one of your competitors is selling this same dishwasher for less money. Can you sell it to me for this price?â€
She takes the piece of paper and looks it over. Her lips move as she reads out the model number and then compares it to the dishwasher in front of us.
“Yes,†she answers triumphantly. “We can match this price.â€
“Great! Let’s go for it!â€
She walks over to the register and begins typing a novel of information. Finally she looks up at me and says, “Okay, there’s a $60 delivery charge on this item.â€
“Wait a minute,†I respond. “This other company is offering free delivery. And your own pricing policy says you’ll match total price, including shipping and tax.â€
“Oh, well, I don’t know…â€
I was prepared for this so I pull out a printed copy of the Sears Price Matching Plus Policy and hand it to her. Again, the lips move as she sounds out every word and analyzes the meaning. She finally looks up and says, “Yeah… I’ll have to call my manager…â€
I sigh and wonder why a company the size of Sears has to resort to cheesy car dealership tactics. I wait while she talks to her manager in a hushed voice on the phone. She reads a section of the policy over the phone twice. There’s a long silence. She hangs up.
“Sorry, sir, but we can’t give you free delivery…â€
“Despite the fact that your policy says you can…â€
“I guess so…â€
“Then I guess you really don’t want my business.â€
She shrugs and I leave. I’m going to order my dishwasher from a Sears competitor tomorrow and save myself a few bucks. I’m not going to shop at Sears anymore, knowing that the frustration of dealing with the company far outweighs any convenience benefits I may receive.
As a member of the human race I figure avoiding Sears is the least I can do in this intergalactic customer service struggle. If enough of us stop shopping at Sears then maybe one day we’ll rid ourselves of their evil ways and maybe… just maybe…we can save our planet from the plague of bad customer service.
Or at least delay it long enough for the man to come around and mark down the clearance items….
7 Responses to “Sears Sucker”
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zip says:
I felt your pain just reading that conversation with the dishwasher assistant!
I’ve just found your blog and now I anticipate spending the whole day reading it!
loving it so far….February 7th, 2006 at 6:03 am -
Spilling Coffee with Humorist Tom Coffee » Sears Attacks - Martha Stewart’s Revenge says:
[...] A few weeks ago I wrote about the lousy customer service I received from Sears. And, despite the fact that I’m really not a fan of Sears, I do happen to own a very new stove which was purchased from them about a month ago. I did not actually pay for the stove, but it was Sears that delivered and installed it to my new home. [...]
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thordora says:
I used to work for Sears. Call the manager. Email on their site. GET SOMETHING FROM THEM. If you bitch long enough, you’ll get it. Be a pain in the ass.
I loved working for Sears Canada, as we never treated people like that. I would have demanded to speak with the manager. Ten bucks says she never actually talked to him.
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kingdon says:
Great job guy…
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Spilling Coffee with Humorist Tom Coffee - » SpillingCoffee.com - Serving Dissatisfaction to Millions says:
[...] A lot of people hate Sears. So do I. [...]
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colleen says:
my 1 yr old dishwasher start button falls off – apparently it is not a defect and not covered under my warranty – per sears canada.
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Tyrone Dimery says:
Hi there, I have just come across your site hunting on online as I am researching some info on dishwashers. appears like an interesting website so I have bookmarked this site and intend to revisit tomorrow to have a more detailed read when i have more time. Keep up the good work.