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It has come to my attention that some of you are not spending every waking moment eating, breathing, drinking, snorting and watching the Winter Olympics. This lack of interest is largely due to the fact that watching four spandex-wearing guys skate around a circle fifteen times is much less exciting than watching just about anything else on TV, including fishing shows. At least you can make fun of fishing programs. Making satirical comments doesn’t really work during the Olympics.
“Hey, look at them there athletes! They sure are physically perfect!”
“Yeah, and most are intelligent, charming, and good-looking, too!”
“Wow, they’re so much better than us!”
As spoiled Americans we have come to expect non-stop excitement in our entertainment to the point where every program we watch on TV contains gratuitous sex, violence, or, if it’s really good, both.
“Thank you and welcome to Vatican Today. In the next 30 minutes we hope to show you shocking and gruesome guerrilla fighting scenes in Nicaragua, fire-eating priests in Texas and seven ways you can make prostitution a mortal sin with a banana and two cans of whip cream.”
This problem led me to come up with some new Winter Olympic events which will hopefully capture the interest of American viewers and strengthen the prevailing force and spirit behind the world-wide games. Namely, advertising.
Here they are:
Downhill Ski Slalom (Through a Minefield) - Remember that Wide World of Sports skier flailing his arms and legs through the air as the announcer spoke gravely about the “agony of defeat?” Now image that guy flailing through the air with his arms and legs about 20 feet ahead of him.
Ice Hockey (With Explosives) - You haven’t seen hockey players hustle until you’ve seen them slapping a live grenade around the ice instead of a wimpy puck. There would never, ever be any question as to whether a goal was scored in this version.
Curling (During a Hockey Game) - Because it would be a lot of fun to see even more front teeth sliding across the ice like Chicklets. With landmines.
Naked Figure Skating - Enough said.
Bobsledding (With Rocket Engines) - Let’s face it, a four guys squeezing together into a little cart and zipping downhill at eighty miles an hour is okay, but four guys squeezing together into a little cart and flying through the air at Mach 4 is much, much better.
Speed Skating (With Whips and Chains) - Think of the chariot race theme from Ben Hur. Now lose the horses, chariots and Romans. Heck, lose the clothing, too. And add some landmines. Now you have a sport.
Curling (On a Luge Track) - The Luge is an entertaining sport because there’s a hint of danger involved. Now imagine the chance to see some guy going ninety miles an hour slam into a stone the size of a watermelon with his groin. That’ll pull in the Nascar fans.
Biatholon Pursuit (Running Man Version) - Why bother skiing around in the woods and shooting little targets when you can watch people skiing around the woods shooting each other.
Sure, I’ll watch the Winter Olympics as they are now, but I’ll be waiting for the day when I can see the “15 Kilometer Downhill Naked Curling Luge Hockey event”…with landmines.
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