Marketing to a Younger Audience – The Prebirth Generation

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I, Tom Coffee, have discovered a completely new way to jumpstart our economy which will create millions of new jobs and completely revolutionize marketing in America!

The problem with our economy now is that, really, everyone has everything they want and need. Instead of spending all their time creating new and better products, companies should take their existing products and selling them to my newly discovered marketing segment of the population.

What is this hidden yet potentially tremendous audience? The Unborn…!

Here’s the way I figure it: baby marketing is already huge. All we have to do is move the “baby market” back about nine months and…voila! The PRE-Baby market is born!…err…well…conceived.

Even better, the pricing for baby goods is always outrageously higher than the pricing of regular goods. For example, you can sell a regular blanket for $10 in any store. But if you begin marketing it as a baby blanket then you could easily charge $20 or more for the exact same item!

And just to show you how much I truly believe in this idea, I have used my own child, the yet unnamed Baby Coffee (hmm, that’s another great idea!), as a model for all these products. On the left you’ll see an ultrasound photo of Baby Coffee at about 8 weeks old. You can make out his (or her) alien-shaped head and little arm nubs pointing upwards. Isn’t he/she cute?

Now let’s take a look at some of the great things we can sell to these little prenatal consumers. You may have to squint a little to see these products. Remember, our baby is still only about the size of a grape.

Prebirth iPod: This one’s a no brainer (no offense meant to those fetuses under 6 weeks of age who have not yet fully developed a brain). You have an audience of preborn babies that have nothing to do all day except for, well, float around and give an occasional kick from time to time. Sell them iPods and let them dance away that boredom! Recommended for babies 10 weeks and older because they’re the ones with ears.
Prebirth Nike Shoes: The athletic preborn baby will want these to make sure he or she is getting the proper amount of exercise with good posture. This, of course, is dependent upon actually having grown a spine.
Prebirth Coach Handbag: The discerning preborn baby girl will want to arrive in the world in style. This beautiful pink leather handbag lets people know that this unborn baby is practical, fashionable, and values high quality accessories.
Prebirth Sunglasses: Would you want to spend nine months in total darkness only to suddenly be thrown out into the bright lights of an operating room? Of course not, and neither do the unborn. These stylish Ralph Lauren sunglasses make it a snap to move from one environment to another in complete style.
Prebirth Baggy Sweatshirt: Babies are like the rest of us, they want to be cool, but not cold. There’s nothing worse than showing up to your big day completely wet and naked. A stylish sweatshirt, with hood, is just the way for the unborn to arrive warm and comfortable, but still be cool enough to fit in with the rest of the baby homies in the hood’s nursery.

These are just a few of the many, many products I could see being directly marketed to the prenatal age group. Many of these items are clothing or luxury items which will need to be purchased more than once over the span of the pregnancy due to rapid growth spurts. I can almost hear Steve Jobs salivating over the idea of selling the preborn a new iPod for every month of growth. And you can bet Nike will be scouting out new factory locations around Guatamalan orphanages as soon as they realize that the preborn will probably grow out of their Nike Shox Infant Crosstrainers about once every other week!

Me? Like any good father I plan on spoiling my unborn child as soon as these products are available. I want my child to have everything I didn’t have when I was growing up. I’m hoping I won’t have to wait too long until I can show you all the perfect photo of a very happy pre-born baby:

This entry was posted on March 2, 2006 at 4:26 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.