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Martha Stewart is trying to kill me.
A few weeks ago I wrote about the lousy customer service I received from Sears. And, despite the fact that I’m really not a fan of Sears, I do happen to own a very new stove which was purchased from them about a month ago. I did not actually pay for the stove, but it was Sears that delivered and installed it to my new home.
I’m working in the kitchen the other day when my wife walks in and exclaims, “Eww, I smell gas.”
“It was the dog,” I answer automatically.
“I wasn’t accusing you,” she explains.
“Oh…in that case, it was me. That vegetable lasagna just didn’t sit right with me tonight.”
“Seriously, I smell gas,” she says, ignoring me. The foundation of our marriage is based upon me making stupid comments and her ignoring them. She starts sniffing around the kitchen and finally ends up with her head in a cabinet under the sink. “Yeah, it’s coming from under here…”
I look under the cabinet as well and this time I catch the strong scent of natural gas. We move aside some of the twenty half-empty bottles of Windex we’ve accumulated over time and find our natural gas pipe with a hose straight to the new stove from Sears.
“This isn’t good,” she says.
“I’ll say. At least you could warn me the next time you let one fly.”
We both stand up and I call the gas company. They take the call seriously because it would be really bad for business if one of their customers exploded. Within thirty minutes a burly technician named Rusty is under our cabinet poking around and mumbling to himself.
He finally gets up and says, “I should really shut this off and make Sears come out and fix this…”
“You neo-nazi fascist pig…” I begin to say.
“…but I don’t feel like filling out the paperwork. It’s fixed. I just tightened these two valves.”
“…I want you to have my child,” I proclaim.
He just shakes his head and laughs. “You can’t believe how much I hate that company,” he says. “Let me guess, these Sears guys came in and installed you new stove in…less than three minutes, right?”
“Yes!” my wife and I nod.
“And I bet they said one, maybe two, words to you the entire time.”
“Yes!” we say again. “The Sears install guy just pointed to the old stove and said ‘Take?’ and that was it.”
Rusty nods. “Yep, typical Sears. They don’t bother training their install guys how to actually hook up these hoses and test for leaks. Sometimes I shut off the gas and make them send out two or three of their highest paid techs to fix the job. Costs them a lot of money. But they don’t care. They’re Sears…”
We thank Rusty profusely and wish him a good day. He could have very well saved our lives.
Let’s review: I have a stove installed by Sears. A week later I have a bad sales experience at Sears and blog about it. Another week later I find the the stove from Sears is leaking a deadly invisible (but farty smelling) gas into my home. Coincidence?
Maybe I’m just paranoid or maybe it’s the lingering affects of the gas leak, but I’ve only been able to come up with one conclusion that explains all these strange happenings:
Martha Stewart, who once only owned K-Mart and now also owns Sears, is using her secret time machine to go back in time and try to kill me. The more I write about Sears, the more I tick off Martha Stewart and thwart her plans of world domination. It’s that simple.
I cannot, of course, fight such a power.
I’m sure I’m going to die from some Sears appliance “suspiciously” backfiring in the near future. I might die from a messy blender accident or possibly a toaster oven explosion or maybe even a bizarre but deadly icemaker malfunction. I don’t know, but I’m sure my death by Sears appliance will be gruesome. Sure, it will look like an accident, but you, Dear Reader, will know the truth: it was Martha Stewart and her time machine.
I hope you at least learn from my example and save yourselves by never, ever dealing with Sears again…
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One Response to “Sears Attacks - Martha Stewart’s Revenge”
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Z says:
Martha Stewart?
Sears?
Who are these people?
But, this I recognise…
The foundation of our marriage is based upon me making stupid comments and her ignoring themThe foundation of many a marriage, I fear.
March 9th, 2006 at 6:19 am