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I, like you, am having a difficult time losing weight.
Unfortunately losing weight is not like losing your car keys. You can’t just wake up one morning and suddenly find that 30 pounds is missing. “Now where did I put that weight? Did I leave it on the table in the hall?” you’d say.
Then you’d admire yourself in the mirror and say, “Who cares? I’m thin now! But where are my car keys?” If this were the case there would be an awful lot of skinny people stuck at home.
You see, you can’t lose weight by sitting around the house all day quaffing beers and clicking through the channels with the remote control. I know this from experience. Lots and lots of experience. Instead, you have to get up and change the channel on your own. Now sit back down and have another beer. You won’t lose a whole lot of weight this way, but you’ll save a lot of money on TV remote batteries.
But to really become thin, you must train your body to lose weight. Remember, by nature your body is designed to sit on the couch and watch re-runs of Judge Judy while munching on Fritos all day. Nature designed you to be a fat slob. You have to fight nature by doing something which mankind has loathed doing since the dawn of time: namely, move.
Prehistoric Man would have been more than happy to lounge around in trees all day and just watch the other animals hunt. But sitting in trees was an excellent way to be eaten by some sort of hideous Prehistoric Creature With Sharp Teeth. Not wanting to be dinosaur poop the next day, Early Man learned a very essential survival skill: running.
And because Prehistoric Man often spent more time running than he did eating, he was always thin.
So the first essential weight-loss skill is learning to be chased (but not caught) by man-eating creatures with sharp teeth. Unfortunately, there aren’t many of them around anymore if you don’t count the RIAA lawyers. To get around this problem you could either break into a local zoo and start running around inside the lion cages or you could simply find a substitute for dangerous creatures.
The obvious choice, of course, is to dive into heavy freeway traffic and run away from trucks, but that isn’t always practical because sometimes the trucks actually try to stop.
But Prehistoric Man didn’t just lose weight while running away from Prehistoric Creatures With Sharp Teeth. Prehistoric Man also did a lot of running towards cute and cuddly animals…which he could then bludgeon to death with big sticks. Then he would eat them. This involved a lot of running because the cute and cuddly animals understandably weren’t very keen on the idea.
I think everyone who is overweight (including myself) should adopt this “Chase-and-Kill” method of eating in order to lose weight. Think about how much more of a fulfilling and entertaining experience it would be if you had to hunt your food down before you actually ate it.
There’s no denying you’d be thinner if you had to chase that Big Mac through the parking lot before eating it. But seeing how most Big Macs don’t usually run away under their own power, it really wouldn’t be so much a “chase” as a “stomping” which would definitely take all the fun out of the meal.
Modern life has brought us to a point where you rarely see cute, cuddly and delicious animals (not including cats) walking near our homes and businesses. Even if you did spy a delicious creature within killing distance, most of you have had very little experience beating things to death with big sticks unless you’re a hockey player or cop from Los Angeles.
But even though you can’t kill random creatures in your front lawn and eat them, there’s still a way to combine Prehistoric Man’s thrill of the hunt with the convenience of modern day living…
Want a pizza? Order an extra large with cheese to be delivered to a neighbor who lives down the block. When the delivery kid drives by your house in his ‘94 Honda Prelude chase him down and beat him into submission with a baseball bat. It sounds drastic, but it’s okay. You’re doing this for your health. And he’s probably a punk that deserves it.
Got a hankering for a burger? Hang out at the drive-through and chase after the recent customers as they pull away with their little bags of fried meat.
Want something healthier? Run after a hot dog vending cart and eat all the condiments he’s carrying (remember President’s Reagan’s contribution to United States nutrition rules: ketchup counts as a vegetable).
In the mood for a little dessert? Attack an ice cream truck with your bare hands and raid the freezer compartments for a snack. Toss the extra spoils into the street as you beat your chest and yell like Tarzan from the top of the truck. You’ll be a hero to all the kids on your block and you’ll earn the respect and admiration of all around you as the pounds melt away.
Starting an exercise plan is always difficult, but I’m confident that the more delivery drivers and food trucks you chase down, the more weight you’ll lose. Soon you’ll not only be running towards your weight loss goal and your next meal, but you’ll also be running away from an unhealthy sedentary lifestyle and, more than likely, the police.
And if the cops catch you, don’t worry: I’m told there are lots of scary creatures you will want to run away from in prison. Though, when those prison creatures catch you, you’ll probably be wishing they just had Sharp Teeth.
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2 Responses to “How to Lose Weight Like Prehistoric Man”
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Alan Thompson says:
Gee. Yuh think maybe people would be interested in exactly *which* Wii games you’re playing for exercise? I mean, why haven’t you published a list of them? From reading all your entries, I’ve inferred that you play the tennis game.
Is that it? Don’t you think it would be a good idea to add the actual games you’re playing? You’d probably get a 10x increase in hits if you just added that one piece of information.
July 13th, 2007 at 2:14 pm -
Tom Coffee says:
Actually, I did post that. But not in this post. I mostly played Wii Sports because that’s all I had. Not many other Wii games really make you stand up and move very much at all.
Besides, there are whole blogs dedicated to video games and fitness. Google is your friend…
-Tom