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So here I am, relaxing in my backyard on a warm summer day when from out of nowhere I hear a tiny buzzing sound approaching from behind at a leisurely 100 miles per hour. It sounds like I’m about to be strafed by a Word War II fighter plane flown by a Smurf, and I turn around just in time to see a TWELVE LEGGED, WINGED ALIEN FROM THE 8TH DIMENSION RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY FACE!
Well, sort of.
Before me hovers a terribly vicious looking insect that does indeed have twelve legs and giant wings and enough eyes to keep my optimologist in business for years. And I’m not sure about this, but it looks like he probably has a gun.
You’ve all seen this sort of insect. It’s big, it’s scary and it’s about an inch from my face. Sure, I’ve been told “they don’t bite” or “don’t worry they’re harmless.” I’m not worried about it biting, I’m worried about it flying into my mouth or getting stuck in my hair or doing unspeakable things with my wife or stealing my car.
And even though there’s real no danger of this insect that is only inches from my nose, I instinctively commence jumping around and swatting at the thing as though someone filled my pants with Jell-O and sent 40,000 volts of electricity through my testicles. Combined with my screams of surprise and disgust any neighbors that are watching (in suburbia the neighbors are always watching) must surely think I’m possessed by demons or being riddled with maching gun fire. This is, after all, Northern New Jersey.
It is reasonable to say that I’m not much of a fan of insects.
Sure, I could use some sort of bug spray to keep the bugs away. The only bug spray that really works does so by smelling so horrific that you never want to use it and you just decide to stay inside watching TV and eating cheese doodles all day where very few bugs will get to you.
I’m not sure why human scientists can put a man on the moon, store a bazillion hours of music onto a device no bigger than a pack of cigarrettes and give us unlimited access to photos of naked people from all over the world (and, in some countries, their farm animals) but they can’t make a bug spray that doesn’t smell like a mix of cheap perfume and diesel gasoline with just a hint of Agent Orange.
It is for this reason that I’m leery of standing near people who wear a lot of bug spray on a hot summer days. I just don’t want to hear someone say, “Uh oh, little Johnny just burst into flames. Must be kinda warm in that sun.”
Bug sprays only temporarily repel insects, but I think it’s about time I consider a more long-term solution to my bountiful build-up of backyard bugs.
I think I need a “bug zapper.”
The bug zapper is proof, without a doubt, that humankind kicks ass. What other race of being in all the universe would create a mesmerizing blue light that bugs find irrestiable and then surround it with a deadly electrified mesh for the sole purpose of annihilating everything that approaches it. Sure, I know bug zappers are “serious” insect control devices, but dammit, I think these things are the best darn outdoor entertainment device to come along since the portable TV and beer can cozie.
I have such fine childhood memories of warm summer evenings when my whole family would sit on the porch drinking lemonade talking about our day while we watched millions of insects seek peace in that soothing blue light, only to be instantly fried and sent to Hell moments before reaching their heavenly goal. The air was filled with sizzles, pops, and hundreds of tiny screams I can still hear in my dreams. The white sparks and mini explosions of insect parts gave my family, and indeed the whole neighborhood, it’s own small fireworks show. There was nothing quite as pleasureable as putting 110,000,000 volts through so many of God’s smaller creatures in such a short amount of time.
And I’ll never forget those rare nights when the lights inside our house would go dim for for several long seconds and Grandpa would smile and nod his head and lick his lips, exclaiming excitedly: “Good eatin’ tonight! Another bird’s hit the zapper!”
Ah, memories…
To sum up, I would like to say tha-
Ouch! I was just bitten by something.
Damn. That really bugs me…
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One Response to “Bug Off, Insidious Insects!”
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thordora says:
ARGH THE BUGS!
We seem to be the local wasp coffee house. Which is great, being totally freaking phobic of them. And did I mention the giant mosquitos? The flying ants? The weird I don’t know whats….?
I feel for you. I need to employ someone to swat my bugs for me. That would rock.
June 13th, 2006 at 3:17 pm