I hear you bought a house and you’re moving again. You think here is much better than there because there are better things here than there were there. Right?
There is something in human nature which makes us want to get up and move just when were are the most comfortable. Doctors call it a bladder, but I think it goes much deeper than that.
Wherever we are at the moment (house, apartment, dorm room) we always aspire to live somewhere else (house, apartment, dorm room of the hot chick).
Ever since the beginning of time (April 14, 1972, 8:33 a.m. for me) Mankind has been trying to go somewhere else. Remember when we were just little amoebas swimming around in an ocean of primeval ooze, just waiting to evolve? Yeah, so do I. We were miserable little one-celled pieces of protoplasmic slime waving out tiny flagella around and not worrying about a whole lot because we only had once cell to take care of and even that was pretty small.
But then we said, “Hey! It’s kind of damp down here in this ocean of ooze. Let’s evolve and go somewhere else!”
So we spent the next fifty billions years evolving legs until we could finally move onto the land. Unfortunately, we hadn’t yet evolved lungs, so that move was rather short-lived.
But another fifty billion years later we were on the ground and the first thing we said was, “Hey! It’s kind of dirty down here. Let’s get off the ground and go somewhere else!”
We tried growing wings, but that didn’t fly.
Instead we moved to the trees and the moment we were there we looked around and said, “Hey! It’s kind of drafty up here. But we might as well monkey around here for a while.”
We never stopped moving, though. We left the ocean with high hopes and moved to land to trees to caves to huts to beach front condos to high-rise apartments to Mafia penthouses to public scrutiny to the courtroom to some back alley and then back to the ocean again, this time with cement shoes.
None of this should really concern you because you aren’t that interested in evolving at the moment. I mean, if you evolved and grew a new leg or something you’d have to buy all new pants and you just can’t afford that right now. No, you are more interested in how you are going to fit your Barcalounger in the back seat of your Honda Civic.
You better get used to all this moving around. A recent study found that the average American moves 13.5 times in his or her lifetime (the .5 comes in from all those times you “moved in” with your girlfriend for the weekend).
To move into your new place with ease you’re going to have to plan things out in detail. For example, you should have a place to move to. Packing all your earthly belongings into a station wagon and driving around aimlessly is not moving. It is called being homeless. And while it is becoming more and more popular these days, I don’t strongly recommend it.
Once you’ve found someplace to go, you’re going to need help getting there. (Helpful Hint: If you can move all your materialistic possessions without anyone else’s help then you definitely need to go out and buy more stuff. Remember, happiness is having things.)
Family members will almost always help you move, especially if it is out of the house. Or even the state. Or the country altogether. My own family members have offered to help me move off the planet…many times.
If you can’t get any family members to help you move (maybe they have to grow their hair that day or perhaps they left no forwarding address) then you’re going to have to round up some friends.
This might be difficult. The only thing worse that spending a day putting all your own junk in boxes and taking it somewhere else is putting someone else’s junk in boxes and taking it somewhere else. Your friends are going to need some incentive to help you. I recommend beer.
If you are going to offer free beer to all those who help you move, there are two very simple rules you should remember:
- Beer AFTER, not BEFORE, moving.
- Beer in your OLD place, not your new place.
Rule 1 assures that most of your belongings will be transported in relatively safety while Rule 2 assures that you will never receive any sort of a security deposit back. Most landlords don’t take kindly to finding an empty apartment that reeks of sweat and Shlitz.
I hope you enjoy being there instead of here and I’m sure your moving experience will be a moving experience…