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Because nothing says “Love” like a naked mutated baby with wings sporting primitive hunting weaponry.
You probably don’t like this Valentine’s Day thing because it only serves to remind you of what kind of dog-faced pathetic single lonely piece of anti-social slime you really are.
No matter what you do, short of actually renting a date from the local street corner for the night, you always find a way of spending February 14th alone.
Not that you would actually want a relationship, or even a simple date, with some intelligent, fun, charming, beautiful shapely woman. I mean who could possibly stand all that attention and fun and hugging and touching and kissing and laughing naughty stuff and sharing and loving? Not you! You’re much better off in the Anti-Social Slime mode. And you’re not even bitter!
Just because Valentine’s Day is amazingly biased towards all those happy couples doesn’t mean that you have to spend the day being miserable (for example: you can spend the day being grumpy and the night being miserable). No, while your roommate and his or her significant other have locked you out of the apartment for the night you are going to have to spend your time constructively.
Fortunately for you I have some suggestions for how you can spend this Valentine’s Day:
- Rent a couple of romantic movies from the local video store and make armpit noises during the love scenes.
- Wallow in self-pity.
- See how many heart-shaped boxes of candy or fluffy teddy bears you can cram into a public toilet.
- Dress up and go to a fancy restaurant with a bag of garbage. If anyone asks what you are doing you can sarcastically reply, “I couldn’t find a date so I decided to take the trash out.”
- Get rip-roaring drunk.
- Buy a bag full of chicken hearts and go around stapling them to any cutesy heart signs you happen to see.
- Dress up as as Cupid and repeatedly attack any couples you see with your Nerf Bow and Arrow set. Use a real bow and arrow if you really want to make an impression.
- Go to a romantic movie at the theater and spit JuJuBes at all the couples making out. You can make armpit noises during the love scenes here, too.
- Buy a CD full of romantic music and take great pleasure in carving the words “Love Sucks” all over it with a key. For added effect you can then try to play it.
- For those scientists in the audience: Dip a dozen roses in some liquid nitrogen and then make a big show of smashing them like glass on the sidewalk.
- Cry.
- Kick puppies.
- Find a tree with a lot of initials carved in it and cover them over with cement. Or just cut the tree down with a chainsaw. If you are really feeling creative you can then carve your own initials in the stump.
- Play “Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” over and over and over again until the neighbors complain. Then turn it up.
Those are just a few of the many ways you can go about spending your Valentine’s Day if you are a little lonely. There are, of course, some things that you really shouldn’t do.
For example, I don’t advise joining the Foreign Legion on a whim, taking a vow of celibacy, or eating Bon-Bons until you puke because you might actually regret doing these things later. I know I would look awful in those beige uniforms and funny little hats.
As for all you people who have dates: Whatever you are doing for Valentine’s Day I hope you have a really great time and enjoy yourself immensely. Oh, and ignore that guy in the back of the theater who keeps making those armpit noises. He’s just some random blogger.
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2 Responses to “Valentine Shmalentine”
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Heywood Jablowme says:
Yeah, I thought I’d try this stuff out, your suggestions, so I printed them out, on a piece of paper, and headed out.
On the way to the video store I stopped off at a bar to get a jump on the rip roaring drunk part> Whoops forgot the -, oh well you know what I meant. Well I got a little carried away, and starte d spitting the cherries from my manhattans at the patrons, got it mixed up with the jujubes and movie deal, so when I started making fart noises with my armpit, while trying to get the diaper on, (wanted to look like cupid), they escorted me out of the bar!! As luck would have it, (I think the bartender called), there was a cop car passing as I gently fluttered out ogf the front door and landed in the street, holding diaper in one hand, and nerf bow and arrows in other. I got the weekend in county to wallow in self pitty. While fending off the homos trying to get in my diaper. Anyway, I didn’t get a chance to try any of the other stuff, except crying. That only excited the guys trying to get in my diaper more, they took my nerf bow and arrow away during booking, leaving me defenseless.
If ever anyone tells you relax, it won’t hurt as much, tell them to go screw themself.
Anyway, I’m pretyy much use to things like this, because of my advisor,http://www.emailsfromjesus.com. If only I would learn to listen to the voices in my head, no wait, I tried that to.
HeywoodFebruary 8th, 2007 at 10:11 pm -
Andy says:
Kicking puppies, please move with the times. It is much more enjoyable to mace them!
http://journals.aol.co.uk/acoward15/andy-the-bastard/