GoDaddy.com’s spokesbabe Danica Patrick failed to open her stream due to too many open files.
This post is a slight deviation from the normal crap you find here.
This post is meant to help GoDaddy.com customers keep their sanity if they ever suddenly find the dreaded “failed to open stream: Too many open files” error message on any blog, website, or other web application they might be working on.
I used GoDaddy as my webhost because, well, generally they work and they’re relatively cheap. But you get what you pay for in the tech support department.
About two weeks ago I noticed that certain parts of one of my blogs started getting the aforemention “failed to open stream, blah blah blah” message on certain functions. I hadn’t changed anything, I hadn’t updated anything, I hadn’t even paid much attention to the blog in mention. It just started happening one day.
So I did what any nerd does when he or she has a problem: I Googled the phrase and found that it occurred kinda of randomly all over the web and it was often (but not always) on GoDaddy sites. It appeared to be some sort of problem with the way PHP (a programming language) interacted with the OS of the webserver it was on. In other words: it was totally out of my realm of knowledge or ability to fix.
Throughout the course of a week or so about a dozen emails went back and forth between GoDaddy technical representatives (always a new person each time) and myself. Here’s a summary of the exchange:
Me: Hi! I think something’s wrong on the server. I’m getting this strange “failed to open stream: Too many open files” error. Could you look into it? Thanks!
GoDaddy: Sure! We’re always here to help a great customer like you! We love you! Golly, that is a strange error! Could you send us a screen shot? We’ve never heard of that error before. What have you changed lately? We love you!
Me: Okay, here’s your screenshot. I haven’t changed anything. I’ve been doing some research. I think its something on the server. Go ahead and try using Google.com and look up this error message. You’ll see some possible solutions and even find other GoDaddy customers with this problem.
GoDaddy: Wow, great screenshot! We’ve never seen this error before. Are you sure you didn’t change something? It looks like a coding error on your side. We like you a lot!
Me: Umm, no, I haven’t changed anything. Just for a test I took the files that are giving me a problem and put them on another GoDaddy hosted server. They worked fine. Then I took some good files and put them on the problem server. The error was there. This is definitely a server issue.
GoDaddy: Golly, this really has us stumped. We value your patronage. Sort of. We’ve never heard of such a thing before. Ever! Are you sure you didn’t change anything? We may have to troubleshoot your programming code. Could you give us your credit card number so we can bill you just in case?
Me: What? No, you can’t have my credit card number. Curious how you didn’t actually tell me how much you charge per hour. Don’t you guys know what Google is? I have a degree in ENGLISH and I’ve found 10 possible solutions to this problem. Why can’t you?
And then… silence. Three days go by with no snappy comebacks and accusatory emails before I notice that suddenly everything works perfectly again.
I have yet to receive any sort of email from any of the Tech Support guys (always guys) with any sort of explanation, apology, or even acknowledgement that the problem was solved. After some searching around I found that I’m not the only person who has had this problem and not the only person to suddenly have the problem solved suddenly with no word from GoDaddy Tech Support.
Moral of the Story: If you get this error keep plugging away at Tech Support. Eventually they’ll fix it… They just won’t tell you about it.
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Wow! Look at this athletic amputee on an exercise machine with a Wii, Xbox, beer bottles and a stapler. She must be a weight loss expert!
Face it, you’re fat.
I know, you didn’t used to be that way. At the end of last summer you were still lean and trim and the picture of perfect health. But now it’s a year later and you try to look at yourself in the mirror only to find that you no longer fit in the mirror.
It looks like you’ve had about ten thousand too many eggnogs over Christmas and enough chocolate bunnies to keep Cadbury thriving well into the next century. I know, you didn’t mean to eat that much, but you didn’t want to be rude. You couldn’t just say, “No thanks, Aunt Mary, I think I’ll pass on that second helping of apple pie.” Instead you said, “I’ll take two more spoonfuls of butter in my coffee, please!”
Face it, you make Queen Latifa look like Nicole Richie. You make Roseanne Barr look like Mary-Kate Olsen after three hours in the bathroom. You make… well, you get the idea.
Unfortunately losing weight is not like losing your car keys. You can’t just wake up one morning and suddenly find that 30 pounds is missing. “Now where did I put that weight? Did I leave it on the table in the hall?” you’d say. Then you’d look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Who cares? But where are my car keys?” If this were the case there would be an awful lot of skinny people stuck taking the bus everywhere.
Weight-loss is much more complex than that. As a qualified weight specialist (who is better qualified than a fat person) I feel it is my duty to inform you of some of the ways you can lose weight:
ExerFlexerCyberMaxizerFlex Method – You could go out and spend a year’s worth of mortgage payments on a home exercise machine that has the word flex somewhere in its name. While most of these home machines resemble an exhibit from the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, many of them will help you reach your personal goals – if your personal goals include looking ridiculous while exercising and having a really expensive clothes rack shoved in the spare bedroom after three months.
Wii Your Fat Away – You could try losing weight by playing one of the new console video game systems. With the Playstation 3 you can build muscle by just leaving it the box and carrying it around the house. With the Nintendo Wii you can spend all your time running around from store to store trying to find one. And with the Microsoft Xbox 360 you can burn calories by yelling at people about how you don’t want a Playstation 3 or a Nintento Wii.
Fantastic Plastic You – You might want to look into reconstructive surgery. If they can make Dick Clark 30 years younger and Michael Jackson look like he’s from 30 light years away, then they can definately make you look 30 pounds lighter.
Office Max Method – Going for stomach stapling surgery is just too expensive and takes too long. Try doing it yourself by swallowing a small Swingline and punching yourself in the gut repeatedly to try to staple your stomach smaller from the inside. If that doesn’t you can try the other popular method for making your stomach smaller: swallow a box of rubber bands practice yoga until you can tie your stomach off just right.
It’s All Relative – You could just forget about the weight loss and begin wearing clothing with vertical stripes and hanging out with people much fatter than you. Soon you’ll soon be referred to as “the skinny one” even though you still take up three seats in the movie theater.
The Six-Pack Diet – This is a variation on the various liquid diets available. To make it more palatable you should probably pick a liquid you actually will enjoy drinking. I suggest beer. But remember to keep some variety in your diet: have domestic one day and import the next.
Lose 20 Pounds in 20 Minutes – For really quick weight loss I suggest amputating something, preferably something you have two of.
Freezy Does It Diet – You could sign up at one of those weight-loss centers where you pay outrageous prices for frozen food in a box. We used to call them crappy TV dinners but now they are specially formulated health supplement meal plans because nothing sounds more appetizing than eating something that’s been “formulated.”
Mount Olympus Fitness Center - You could join one of the numerous health clubs that are constantly advertised on television by men and women who possess bodies that make the Greek gods look fat and dumpy. These models have muscles upon muscles and the only fat they possess is stuffed into their skimpy loincloths. These are people who were born tanned and oiled. The health clubs claim that exercising 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week can make you look like that. I’d say that even plastic surgery 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week couldn’t make me look like that. Judging from the commercials I am led to believe that fat people are not actually allowed into these clubs.
If none of these methods work for you then maybe should once again attempt the tried and true method of a healthy diet combined with daily exercise.
Personally, I’m looking for some fat Wii players who like drinking beer and eating TV dinners.
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