Wow! Look at this athletic amputee on an exercise machine with a Wii, Xbox, beer bottles and a stapler. She must be a weight loss expert!
Face it, you’re fat.
I know, you didn’t used to be that way. At the end of last summer you were still lean and trim and the picture of perfect health. But now it’s a year later and you try to look at yourself in the mirror only to find that you no longer fit in the mirror.
It looks like you’ve had about ten thousand too many eggnogs over Christmas and enough chocolate bunnies to keep Cadbury thriving well into the next century. I know, you didn’t mean to eat that much, but you didn’t want to be rude. You couldn’t just say, “No thanks, Aunt Mary, I think I’ll pass on that second helping of apple pie.” Instead you said, “I’ll take two more spoonfuls of butter in my coffee, please!”
Face it, you make Queen Latifa look like Nicole Richie. You make Roseanne Barr look like Mary-Kate Olsen after three hours in the bathroom. You make… well, you get the idea.
Unfortunately losing weight is not like losing your car keys. You can’t just wake up one morning and suddenly find that 30 pounds is missing. “Now where did I put that weight? Did I leave it on the table in the hall?” you’d say. Then you’d look at yourself in the mirror and say, “Who cares? But where are my car keys?” If this were the case there would be an awful lot of skinny people stuck taking the bus everywhere.
Weight-loss is much more complex than that. As a qualified weight specialist (who is better qualified than a fat person) I feel it is my duty to inform you of some of the ways you can lose weight:
ExerFlexerCyberMaxizerFlex Method – You could go out and spend a year’s worth of mortgage payments on a home exercise machine that has the word flex somewhere in its name. While most of these home machines resemble an exhibit from the Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, many of them will help you reach your personal goals – if your personal goals include looking ridiculous while exercising and having a really expensive clothes rack shoved in the spare bedroom after three months.
Wii Your Fat Away – You could try losing weight by playing one of the new console video game systems. With the Playstation 3 you can build muscle by just leaving it the box and carrying it around the house. With the Nintendo Wii you can spend all your time running around from store to store trying to find one. And with the Microsoft Xbox 360 you can burn calories by yelling at people about how you don’t want a Playstation 3 or a Nintento Wii.
Fantastic Plastic You – You might want to look into reconstructive surgery. If they can make Dick Clark 30 years younger and Michael Jackson look like he’s from 30 light years away, then they can definately make you look 30 pounds lighter.
Office Max Method – Going for stomach stapling surgery is just too expensive and takes too long. Try doing it yourself by swallowing a small Swingline and punching yourself in the gut repeatedly to try to staple your stomach smaller from the inside. If that doesn’t you can try the other popular method for making your stomach smaller: swallow a box of rubber bands practice yoga until you can tie your stomach off just right.
It’s All Relative – You could just forget about the weight loss and begin wearing clothing with vertical stripes and hanging out with people much fatter than you. Soon you’ll soon be referred to as “the skinny one” even though you still take up three seats in the movie theater.
The Six-Pack Diet – This is a variation on the various liquid diets available. To make it more palatable you should probably pick a liquid you actually will enjoy drinking. I suggest beer. But remember to keep some variety in your diet: have domestic one day and import the next.
Lose 20 Pounds in 20 Minutes – For really quick weight loss I suggest amputating something, preferably something you have two of.
Freezy Does It Diet – You could sign up at one of those weight-loss centers where you pay outrageous prices for frozen food in a box. We used to call them crappy TV dinners but now they are specially formulated health supplement meal plans because nothing sounds more appetizing than eating something that’s been “formulated.”
Mount Olympus Fitness Center - You could join one of the numerous health clubs that are constantly advertised on television by men and women who possess bodies that make the Greek gods look fat and dumpy. These models have muscles upon muscles and the only fat they possess is stuffed into their skimpy loincloths. These are people who were born tanned and oiled. The health clubs claim that exercising 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week can make you look like that. I’d say that even plastic surgery 30 minutes a day, 3 days a week couldn’t make me look like that. Judging from the commercials I am led to believe that fat people are not actually allowed into these clubs.
If none of these methods work for you then maybe should once again attempt the tried and true method of a healthy diet combined with daily exercise.
Personally, I’m looking for some fat Wii players who like drinking beer and eating TV dinners.
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[...] Truth is, this blog is really a pretty lousy medium for just about anything. I mean, I just wrote an entry about How To Lose Weight that featured a poorly Photoshopped upside-down woman with one leg drinking beer drinking beer and holding a stapler. Perhaps JP Aerospace needs to re-think its marketing strategy. [...]
You think that stapler idea would really work?