The Late Dave Thomas agrees: Folgers Tastes More Like Poo because it’s made from Poo.
I’m going to interrupt the normal jovial tone of this blog to bring you important news about a disturbing trend that is sweeping across our country and striking fear and terror into the hearts of good citizens everywhere: coffee abuse.
The mainstream media is going to tell you that coffee abuse occurs when you drink too much coffee. There are two very well-reasoned arguments against this definition:
- You can NEVER drink too much coffee.
- The mainstream media is a bunch of tea-drinking pansy Nazi sympathizers who would rather sip some soggy leaves dipped in warm water than partake in the heavenly nectar of the gods we call coffee.
No, the real coffee abuse is being committed right out in the open. People are using coffee for EVIL! To illustrate this horrifying trend I bring you three recent news stories:
It was an open and shut case: the motive was love, the body was cold, and the coffee was hot.
Man Uses Hot Coffee To Rob Service Station: In Texas a man walked into a service station, poured himself a cup of hot coffee and approached the cash register to pay. Just as the clerk was preparing to ring up the sale the customer threw the hot coffee in the clerk’s face and used the ensuing confusion to reach into the cash register and steal a wad of cash. This troubles me because it is now surely only a matter of time before buying a cup of coffee will require two forms of identification, a 30 day waiting period and an FBI background check.
Wendy’s Fast Food Restaurants to Offer Folgers Gourmet Coffee: This is one of the egregious forms of coffee abuse I’ve ever seen. And to think my child is going to grow up in a world with this sort of filth being spread around in public! I mean, using the word “coffee” or “gourmet” to describe any Folger’s product is like saying Paris Hilton is just a “little slutty.” It just doesn’t make sense! The worst part of waking up is finding Folger’s in your cup, Wendy’s!
Bikini Coffee Shop: This is a slightly more subtle abuse of coffee, but one which should not be tolerated. The drive-through coffee shop Coffee Nation in Salem, Oregon has a slumping business so they decided to have bikini-clad babes serve coffee from their shop to boost business. But what’s really happening is this store is using coffee to lure in innocent young (and old) men in to ogle these barely dressed baristas. Imagine: using coffee to induce men to have impure thoughts about women!
I’m disgusted just thinking about it! But to make sure I thoroughly understand the problem I’m going to watch the video again…
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The time traveling Paul Muller of the CaffiNation Technology and Coffee podcast.
Paul Rj Muller can travel through time, and I hate him for it.
He hasn’t told me about his abilities, of course. True time travelers never reveal their secret power, but I’ve found him out anyway. I’ll explain how I know this in a moment.
Paul is the Head Barista and Digital DJ Supreme over at The CaffiNation Podcast of The High Octane World of Coffee and Technology. His media empire consists of a Podcast and blog that usually concentrates on coffee, technology, music and just about everything else cool in between. He’s always entertaining, he usually digs up some darn good music on his podcast and he always has a few super-cool links on his blog.
But there’s more. You see, Paul also runs a small business on the side, works a full-time job and, by an amazing coincidence, became a father of his own little bundle of joy one day before my own little Baby Coffee was born. He’s probably also producing a cable tv show for FOX, single-handedly building Internet 3 in his basement, writing a romance novel and putting together the definitive directory of mesothelioma lawyers. Even more incredibly: Paul is doing all these things and still The CaffiNation podcast/blog/media empire is updated almost three or four times A WEEK.
You see, there’s no human being on the planet that could possibly have an eight-month-old baby and still do all those things, including producing a regular podcast and blog of such professional quality that often unless he could travel back and forth through time at will.
I’m lucky if I even get to read my blog spam once a week, and Paul is putting out broadcasts and informative posts on a regular basis. He’s making all of us lazy coffee addicted nerdy bloggers look bad. I shake my fist at thee, Paul Rj Muller!
Aieieie!! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! Bad touch! Oops. Should’ve put my coffee mug down before doing that…
As if Paul’s amazing powers of productivity weren’t enough, I’ve discovered that his son his also mocking my own Baby Coffee in his own little quiet way. Recently my son, Baby Coffee, started going to daycare and whenever we drop him off the other babies say things like “Buh buh buh…aooooo,” and “Aaaaaaaahhhooooooooo.” I’m no expert, but I firmly believe they are making fun of my son and teasing him for not having much hair at the ripe old age of eight months. Paul Jr. on the other hand has a beautiful head full of dark hair.
Either his son is mocking Baby Coffee or Paul Jr. is aging faster than most other babies because he’s being taken on his father’s nefariously productive time traveling trips! That’s just one more reason to hate Paul Muller! In fact-
Ooo! It’s a new email from Paul! And… he’s linking to this site and giving me a free Joost beta invite.
Ahem.
Have I mentioned how cool Paul Muller and The CaffiNation Podcast is lately?
In all seriousness, about 99.9% of the traffic to my blog is due to Google actually thinking I have worthwhile content about coffee and technology here. I do not. CaffiNation.com, however, does.
Visit The CaffiNation.com, subscribe to the CaffiNation podcast and congratulate Paul on figuring out the whole time traveling thing.
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JP Aerospace: sending stuff into space because…well… just because!
Some blogs bring you the latest interesting trends, useful advice and cutting edge news based on solid research, personal experience and hours of scouring the web for the best links.
This is not one of those blogs.
Instead I’m going to tell you about Space Coffee and I’m going to tell you about this because one John Powel, founder of JP Aerospace (tagline: “America’s OTHER Space Program”) sent me an email out of the blue because, apparently, he thought this blog was a good medium for reaching people who might be interested in Space Coffee.
Truth is, this blog is really a pretty lousy medium for just about anything. I mean, I just wrote an entry about How To Lose Weight that featured a poorly Photoshopped upside-down woman with one leg drinking beer drinking beer and holding a stapler. Perhaps JP Aerospace needs to re-think its marketing strategy.
Then again, maybe not.
Because I’m now going to do exactly what John Powell wanted me to do (curse your magic reverse psychology!) and tell you about Space Coffee.
Really.
Right now.
Space Coffee.
Here we go.
Space Coffee.
Actually, I’m not entirely sure what is going on. Apparently JP Aerospace is a small organization of nerds space enthusiasts who enjoy sending up all sorts of things into space in an effort to… well… umm.. Okay, I’m not entirely sure why they do it, either.
Science!
They have a balloon that goes up towards the end of space and they have a rocket that does something, but mostly they seem to be sending things up like decorated ping-pong balls, Star Wars figures and cameras to take pictures of them sending up decorated ping pong balls and Star Wars figures in space.
These experiments help school children around the world learn important scientific skills such as how to decorate ping pong balls and how you can apparently raise money with just about any wacky idea as long as you believe in it with all your heart and somehow involve school children.
Space Coffee!
Because JP Aerospace doesn’t exactly have a whopping budget, they have to raise money in a lot of creative ways. On June 2, 2007 they are going to mount/tie/tape a quarter-pound of coffee beans onto a high-altitude balloon, send the balloon up to the edge of space, exposing the beans to “extremes of cold, vacuum, and cosmic rays” as explained in the press release. Then those specials beans will come back down and be ingested, giving everyone who drinks this potent brew amazing superpowers just like the Fantastic Four. Ha! That’s a little cosmic ray humor for you space nuts.
Actually, the beans will come back down and be sold on eBay.
Really.
Apparently the budget at JP Aerospace is pretty tight because the press release email makes a special note to mention that JP Aerspace is “on the lookout for coffee companies that have a special blend they want carried aloft” which means they hope someone is willing to donate the beans in return for a little publicity.
All kidding aside, these guys and gals really do seem like a pretty dedicated and intelligent bunch of people who are really doing some neat things with very little real resources. It’s independent scientists and free spirits like these people who often push technology and mankind’s knowledge to its limits. I applaud their efforts and wish them the best of luck.
I’d also love to know when the eBay auction is going to take place because I might be interested in bidding on those beans.
Flame on!
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