The Late Dave Thomas agrees: Folgers Tastes More Like Poo because it’s made from Poo.
I’m going to interrupt the normal jovial tone of this blog to bring you important news about a disturbing trend that is sweeping across our country and striking fear and terror into the hearts of good citizens everywhere: coffee abuse.
The mainstream media is going to tell you that coffee abuse occurs when you drink too much coffee. There are two very well-reasoned arguments against this definition:
- You can NEVER drink too much coffee.
- The mainstream media is a bunch of tea-drinking pansy Nazi sympathizers who would rather sip some soggy leaves dipped in warm water than partake in the heavenly nectar of the gods we call coffee.
No, the real coffee abuse is being committed right out in the open. People are using coffee for EVIL! To illustrate this horrifying trend I bring you three recent news stories:
It was an open and shut case: the motive was love, the body was cold, and the coffee was hot.
Man Uses Hot Coffee To Rob Service Station: In Texas a man walked into a service station, poured himself a cup of hot coffee and approached the cash register to pay. Just as the clerk was preparing to ring up the sale the customer threw the hot coffee in the clerk’s face and used the ensuing confusion to reach into the cash register and steal a wad of cash. This troubles me because it is now surely only a matter of time before buying a cup of coffee will require two forms of identification, a 30 day waiting period and an FBI background check.
Wendy’s Fast Food Restaurants to Offer Folgers Gourmet Coffee: This is one of the egregious forms of coffee abuse I’ve ever seen. And to think my child is going to grow up in a world with this sort of filth being spread around in public! I mean, using the word “coffee” or “gourmet” to describe any Folger’s product is like saying Paris Hilton is just a “little slutty.” It just doesn’t make sense! The worst part of waking up is finding Folger’s in your cup, Wendy’s!
For purely educational purposes, I have included a link to some video footage of those enticingly steaming hot coffee cups.
Bikini Coffee Shop: This is a slightly more subtle abuse of coffee, but one which should not be tolerated. The drive-through coffee shop Coffee Nation in Salem, Oregon has a slumping business so they decided to have bikini-clad babes serve coffee from their shop to boost business. But what’s really happening is this store is using coffee to lure in innocent young (and old) men in to ogle these barely dressed baristas. Imagine: using coffee to induce men to have impure thoughts about women!
I’m disgusted just thinking about it! But to make sure I thoroughly understand the problem I’m going to watch the video again…
4 Responses to “Coffee Abuse on the Rise!”
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Diego says:
I love the template of your website!!
June 7th, 2007 at 10:31 am -
Paul Rj Muller says:
You can never have too much coffee, they are all out to get me and most importantly of all…
This entire coffee-is-evil thing is a massive right-wing neocon conspiracy to coverup their many idescretions and force peoples attention towards the unwashed masses of liberal do-gooders attempting to pansify the world one croissant. hmm maybe decaf wouldn’t be a bad idea… i appear to hate everyone -
The World’s Most Expensive Coffee Makers - Spilling Coffee with Humorist Tom Coffee says:
[...] course wouldn’t want to spend all this money and then dump that Folgers crap into one of these machines. Instead you’d want an expensive coffee that’s actually [...]
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Organic coffee says:
There is no such thing as coffee abuse!