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If I had to sum up the average visitor’s experience to this blog in one word it would be disapointment.
The typical reaction of visitors to this site.
I use a little Wordpress plugin called wp-shortstat which shows me all sorts of statistics about this blog which are fascinating but mostly useless. One of the more amusing features of this plugin is the ability to see what search engine keywords brought people to this site.
It is from this list of keywords that I’m able to see that most visitors to this site are not finding anything useful whatsoever and probably leaving angry and frustrated at being duped into reading the stupid things written here.
So I thought I’d present some of the more recent keyword searches that brought people to SpillingCoffee.com along with what the person really found:
| Keywords Searched | What They Really Found |
| “pirate theme baby nursery” | Picking A Baby Nursery Theme - my post about how my wife and I could not agree on a nursery theme. I suggested creating a Baby Litter Box instead of using diapers to save money. |
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“snorting pseudophedrine” |
I had no idea you could do such a thing. This person probably ended up at my tirade against the government for treating pseudophedrine in cold medicine like it was sticks of dynamite packaged with matches. Amazingly, this search comes up quite a lot in my stats. |
| “sears sucker” | A lot of people hate Sears. So do I. |
| “james frey refund” | I haven’t read any of James Frey’s books, but I suggested that you could buy old copies for pennies, rip off the front covers and send them to Random House for the full refund on each one. |
| “japanese people” | Who the heck types that into a search engine? I used the phrase "japanese people" when I wrote about my plan to lose weight playing the Nintendo Wii. |
| “fat naked men” | Wow. Honestly, I can’t even find where I might have written that phrase, but someone, somehow got here because of it. The only thing I’ve come up with is the page all about spillingcoffee.com. As far as I can tell there are about 10,000 pages of search engine results for fat naked men before you get to my site. Did this person exhaust them all before visiting this place? |
| “poopy cat” | Again, this is something I would never think to use a search engine for. Desperate for something to write about, I detailed how we had a sick cat in the house. |
I don’t want to leave you with the impression that everything I write is complete garbage. It is, but I don’t want to leave you with that impression.
By far the largest source of traffic to this site is a post I wrote a while ago about how to fix an iPod with the sad iPod icon. There are lots of comments and lots of people very pleased with the results of my low-cost fix.
I think Apple charges about $250 or so to fix an iPod with the sad iPod icon. The post has been up for about a year and that post averages about 200 visitors a day. If you do the math that means that about 73,000 people have fixed their iPods without paying Apple Computers a dime. That works out to around $18,250,000 in saved service fees that would have gone to Steve Jobs. Strangely, I have seen very little of that saved $18 million.
You can tell a lot about your blog readers by what they are searching for, and I can tell you that most of my readers are deranged and perverted lunatics with broken iPods who are desperately seeking things here that simply don’t exist.
I take that as a compliment and I thank you for your support.
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3 Responses to “SpillingCoffee.com - Serving Dissatisfaction to Millions”
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Qelqoth says:
You just can’t beat that feeling of pseudophedrine zooming past the nostrils.
June 19th, 2007 at 9:34 am -
Five Amazing Never Before Seen Incredibly Unique and Astoundingly Cool Revenue Blogging Tips , 1 Revenue Blogging Truism and 1 Traffic Increasing Trick - Spilling Coffee with Humorist Tom Coffee says:
[…] Rule #1 - Be wordy: Why use three simple words like “write more words” when you can take a simple concept and fill it full of keywords that might help your post end up in a random search just like a lawyer might use if he was researching mesothelioma, Viagra or Vioxx. I’m always amazed at what sort of keywords people use to get to my site. I actually blogged about all the weird things that bring people here when I wrote about some of the strange things that people are searching for on the internet. In addition to writing more, you need to also break those words up over multiple posts. Search engines love sites with more posts over sites with fewer posts. The more posts you have, the more your writing will show up in search results. Really. Really really. […]
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Lionel says:
I’ve seen some unusual searches before on a whim… I alternated between laughing and wanting to move to another country.