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Having a baby pretty much assures that you home environment will quickly be cluttered with a vast array of baby toys rivals even the largest Toys Backwards R Us in the world.
And it is because I now live in a constant sleep-deprived world of brightly colored hard plastic and soft stuffed animals where conscious thought is hot black liquid poured out of a coffee pot that I have come up with these observations:
My First Easter Bunny
The My First Easter Bunny is only safe for children ages three and up. Thank-you, Wal-Mart.
A toy from Wal-Mart, this pretty much sums up everything that is wrong with America.
At first glance this little stuffed Easter Bunny seems to be a perfectly innocent little toy for a child to sit and enjoy. It’s soft, not too heavy, seems to be fairly well put together and there are no sharp edges. Heck, the words “My First Easter” are even stitched tightly into the tummy.
The problem?
The warning tag on the bunny clearly states “For children ages three and up.” So this toy is really only appropriate for that rare child that is born and then magically skips THREE Easters until he is ready to play with this toy and celebrate his “first” Easter.
Baby Einstein Book
No political agendas or cultural commentaries here!
Okay, maybe I’m a coffee-addicted paranoid maniac, but I’ve always been a little suspicious of anything with the Baby Einstein brand slapped on it. I don’t really think any of their toys are all any more educational than anything else out there and I think it’s kind of strange to base your baby product company around the name of real person who is generally not known for being warm and cuddly with the babies. In fact, Albert Einstein regularly ate children for lunch, but I’ll save the details of that for another day.
Anyway, my son has a Baby Einstein book that has a bunch of animals in it with some very suspicious names. In a thinly veiled reference to the fast-food burger shilling giant, there’s a cow named Baby MacDonald. Is that some sort of sick joke, or what?
“See this cute little cow, Jimmy? You ATE HIM WITH YOUR HAPPY MEAL. HE’S DEAD NOW BECAUSE OF YOU!”
Baby Einstein clearly wants to raise a generation of vegetarians.
Ahem.
But it doesn’t stop there. This Baby Einstein book also has a monkey named “Jane” which is clearly a reference to world-renowned primatologist Jane Goodall. And Jane is sticking her tongue out while making a “supersilly” face, which only goes to show you how much the Baby Einstein corporation despises monkeys. In fact, for every Baby Einstein book you buy a baby chimpanzee is fired into space, but that’s a story for another post.
Fisher-Price Amazing Animals Sing & Go Choo-Choo
Impaled animal hearts make every baby toy more enjoyable.
This last toy is from Fisher-Price and is clearly one of my son’s favorites. It’s an animal train that lights up and makes animal sounds and plays the same songs that are just annoying enough to make mommy and daddy want to jam their eardrums out with chopsticks but just catchy enough to prevent us from actually doing it.
On the top of the train are some little plastic items that spin around and don’t do much else. My wife and I didn’t think much of them at first until we really took a good look at them and tried to figure out what they were. They could be leaves, but they weren’t the right color. They didn’t look like much else until we starting thinking about the strange vein patterns and biological colors…And that’s when it struck us:
The Fisher-Price Amazing Animals Sing & Go Choo-Choo is really a HUNTING vehicle and those little spinning things are clearly the still warm and beating hearts of dead animals impaled on the poles of the train as a sick sort of trophy case!! Or perhaps they’re HUMAN HEARTS that all the fun-loving colorful plastic animals have ripped out of unsuspecting babies.
Aiiieeeeeeeeeeee!
C’mon… I’m clearly not too far off base with this, am I?
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5 Responses to “Bad Baby Toys”
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J.pearce says:
I’m really not sure what you’re saying!!
June 25th, 2007 at 1:39 am -
Toy Enthusiast says:
HA! This is great! You had me laughing out loud! Isn’t it amazing what people are having our kids play with these days? Very observant, Good Job!
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DLee says:
haha ahh man… im lookin through google images to find ref pics for an animation im making and i come to this picture of a cute little bunny plushie… i looked through the page and read through it all… this is great… i’ll come back to read other stuff
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Beth says:
Wow, I have that train for my grandson. I never noticed that they were hearts. I AM a vegetarian, and we thought the animals were out having fun.
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clare says:
YOu make me laugh til I cry !!!!