From time to time I plunk down a few bucks and renew my account to City of Heroes, one of the only online games I’ve ever really gotten into. One of the many ways you can burn up oodles of time is using the amazingly flexible super hero building tool to create all sorts of justice seeking Spandex™-wearing wonders. Most of the heroes you see have outrageous powers and costumes, so I decided to make some “less traditional” superheroes with the building tool.
Here’s what I came up with:
Name:
Angry Postal Worker
Origin:
Torn straight from the headlines, this superhero spends his day delivering the mail and his nights delivery vigilante justice. Once a mild-mannered kid out of college, Richard Emelio Stamp III started delivering the mail and quickly went insane trying to keep up with the ever increasing price of stamps while trying explain to customers the intricacies of first class vs. priority mail.
Powers:
Really Big Gun
Instant Zip-Code Recognition
Catch Phrases:
“I’m going to STAMP you out!”
“Postage DUE!”
“How do you like THIS special delivery?!”
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Angry Postal Worker
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Name:
Flame Retarded
Origin:
C’mon. With a name like ‘Flame Retarded’ does he even need an origin?
Powers:
Fire Blasts
Able to Ride the Short Bus
Can Be Obnoxious and Get Away With It
Catch Phrases:
“My Mom says I’m special!”
“Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Hot! Hot! Hot!”
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Flame Retarded
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Name:
Lawyer With No Pants
Origin:
Ace Hot-Shot Lawyer Rich McNulty graduated at the top of his class at Yale and immediately started his own law firm. He started it so immediately that he actually forgot to put on pants the first morning and he’s been winning big cases ever since. Not one to tempt fate, he’s continued to not wear pants and fight for truth, justice, and the right to wear tighty whities (see red arrow for more information).
Powers:
Kung Fu Punch
Ability to speak Legalease
Catch Phrases:
“Quid Pro Ipso Facto Calamari!”
“Egad! I have no pants!”
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Lawyer With No Pants
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Name:
Republican Senator
Origin:
Once in the majority now in the minority, southern Republican Senator Cornelius Kissabaybee spends his time screaming about the sins of the country while teaching the country new sins.
Powers:
Super Justification
Blessing
Amazing Persuasion Abilities with anyone with a Southern Accent
Catch Phrases:
“God told me to do this.”
“Damn Liberal Pinkos.”
“Jesus Would Vote Republican.”
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Republican Senator
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I feel safer already with these noble heroes patrolling our streets.
This entry was posted on August 13, 2007 at 6:19 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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I think these are hilarious… surfed in while browsing for “retarded” pics and it brought up Flame Retarded. I think you should also list the servers these guys are hosted on. I’m still crackin up over the Lawyer with No Pants!
[...] (or, more appropriately, their discovery of me) that ended my comic days. I am still a recovering City of Heroes addict, but I discovered that after I was married. I’m sure there’s some lesson [...]