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Here we see the typical Chinese attention to detail. This is a close-up of the back of a razor-sharp plastic toy shovel my infant son likes to play with.
When my wife and I heard about all the latest toy recalls due to shoddy and unsafe manufacturing practices used in Chinese factories, we did what all good American parents did: ran around the house in hysterics, grabbing all the toys that could have been made anywhere near Southeast Asia, threw them out on the front lawn, doused them with kerosene and immediately torched them until they were nothing but a pile of dirty, black ashes which we gathered into a coffee can and put on the first FedEx plane back to China.
At that moment we decided to give our infant son only toys that were manufactured in the good ol’ ethical United States of America where we have strict safety laws to protect products from harming consumers.
Right now my infant son is chewing on a Marlboro Red hard pack and rolling around a pint of Jim Beam. Ahh, America! And while I’m ripping the cellophane off his box of cigs I realize something important:
We should be congratulating these Chinese toy companies that are making thousands of products with lead paint and then selling them to Americans!
“But why?!?” I hear you ask incredulously. Because the Chinese have finally figured out how capitalism really works:
1. Make a cheap product that undersells everyone else, putting all your competition out of business.
2. As your competition dwindles, lower your quality to the point where you’re actually insulting or harming the customers that put you on top.
3. When you get caught you should apologize profusely and promise it will never ever happen again.
4. Do it all again.
It’s sort of like the “Circle of Life” from Disney’s The Lion King, except this involves Dora the Explorer, Thomas the Train Engine, a few buckets of lead paint and millions of Chinese people working for the equivalent of slave wages.
This capitalistic cycle has worked for Wal-Mart for all these years, so why wouldn’t it work for manufacturing companies in China? Wal-Mart moves into a town, undersells all the other stores and forces them to close. Then, when Wal-Mart is the only store left, they begin treating their employees like slaves, their customers like dogs and and their products like something Kathy Lee Griffin would endorse. Every so often Wal-Mart is caught and someone with an Alabamanian accent apologizes on TV and announces a new sale. Everything goes back to normal until they’re caught again.
Now that the Chinese have learned about this little trick they’ve started using it in just about everything they make. From deadly dog food to toxic toothpaste to poison covered baby toys, you have to admit that the Chinese are quick studies. I’m worried, however, that they’ll soon run out of ways to make ordinary things deadly. If that happens then their economy collapses and causes world-wide economic mayhem.
So in the the interest of keeping the world economy thriving with new Chinese exported products, here are some other items that are made in China and how they can be made more deadly:
Chopsticks: Give them a quick rinse down with cyanide before packaging to reduce germs.
Electronic Equipment: Sprinkle gunpowder over all the circuit boards and power supply before final assembly to make sure everything slides together easily.
Dog food: Pour lead paint into food instead of melamine for added coloring.
Baby Toys: Cover them with melamine instead of lead paint (gotta mix it up sometimes!).
Clothing: Weave asbestos into all the fabrics for “durability.”
American Flags: Use radioactive dye for that “I’m so proud of America that my flag glows!” look.
We can only hope the Chinese continue to produce products with the same low-cost profiteering methods that they have in the past. I mean, how else will we be able to afford replacing all those baby toys we just threw away?
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10 Responses to “A Congratulations to Chinese Toymakers”
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CaffuiNation Paul says:
Hey Tom, Good article. Been meaning to comment on the past couple but my lack of productivity is astounding right now.
As long as the Chinese remember to either stay away from my coffee, or at least give it a quick chlorine rinse to brighten up the beans I’ll be alright. As always a damn fine read sir.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:22 am -
Karen Vogel says:
Feeling a tad cynical today, aren’t we? Watch some Bugs Bunny - it always helps me forget that the world is going to heck in a hand basket.
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mappy says:
china is not part of south east asia.
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Tom Coffee says:
Mappy,
Yes, you’re absolutely right. Oops.
I very much enjoy the fact that you wrote to point out a factual error in an article which instructs Chinese companies to wash chopsticks in cyanide and put gunpowder in their electronics before selling them to Americans.
God, I love the Internet.
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Jayne says:
Heh.. hilarious article.
Love the blog! Will definitely be coming back for more.
~J
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Elizar says:
nice one. put a little smile, though the Southeast Asia part hits where I am (Philippines) but we never manufacture such toys.. lucky us Filipinos!
i think we should export our toys too, they’re not that cheap but surely it’s lead free!
cheers!
Elizar -
Miss Ladybug says:
hahaha. This is a scream. Love your voice. I have been noticing lately just about every faulty embarrassing product disaster coming out of this massive country. I feel like we are just seeing a fraction of what gets caught..Lord knows what we are missing. I remember a crisis a while back on the paranoid 60 minutes program and apparently people were making fake medications that were getting sent to our pharmacies. So, great…you have a heart attack and instead of a clot buster you get crushed up bits of bark. Amazing what people do without thinking of the consequences.
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Dave says:
I love your blog and will be subscribing to your rss feed. Thanks
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You Are a Bitch says:
I think you are the most cynical person ever and really need to take your head out of your ass before you start commenting on shit.
The country who produces the most in the world will obviously have more problems controlling all of their exports.
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Tom Coffee says:
Thanks! Always great to read comments from a fan!