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My Son’s Birthday Loot: Approximate Value $147.00.
My Son’s Current Favorite Toys: Approximate Value $.04.
My son celebrated his first birthday recently and like most children his age he was totally fascinated with the wrapping paper, any ribbon he could shove into his mouth and all the balloons we had at the party but showed just about zero interest in the new toys he had opened, any of the people who attended the party or even the cake we presented for him to eat with his fingers.
As a fat person, I was the most offended by his refusal to even try the cake at first. I quickly surmised that the child wasn’t mine and started berating my wife for sleeping with someone else, until my son’s icing-covered hands accidentally slammed into his mouth. From that point forward my son began licking his fingers and rubbing the icing all over his face and hair, which seems much more like something I would do at lunch if, you know, I didn’t have any meetings in the afternoon.
Back to the toys. Most of his new toys were hermetically sealed in bubble wrap or boxes which were then reinforced with enough packing tape, wire twist ties and cardboard glue to keep a grenade in one piece after pulling the pin. If any of you parents out there have opened a single new toy in the last ten years, you know exactly the kind of packaging I’m talking about. After unpacking most of his new toys my son did show some interest in them and did play with them for a little while, but I noticed he kept going back to play with things that are not really toys.
This has continued up to the present and my wife and I are now seriously wondering if our child has some sort of psychic link to some starving Third World kid whose only source of entertainment is a stone and a pile of dirt. Our son received all sorts of music toys, puzzle toys, colorful toys and some downright cool toys to play with for his birthday, but none of those hold his interest very long. My wife, in a fit of political incorrectness that will bar her from ever serving on the Supreme Court, has started calling his favorite toys his “Ghetto Toys.” At the moment his top five favorite ghetto toys are:
1. Four empty Pedialite bottles and a plastic holder left over from a trip to the Emergency Room: Ahh, good times. Our son caught a stomach virus and lost his lunch… and breakfast… dinner from the night before… in my car. We rushed him to the hospital after he couldn’t keep down some water and we spent the next 24 hours letting his tummy rest and getting him back into the groove of things with Pedialite, the baby’s version of Gatorade. These containers can snap out of their holder and their lids come off. They’re basically the ghetto version of Megablocks, and my son loves them for some reason. I like to think he’s training to be an architect, but the way he throws those bottles around I have to wonder if someone let him watch the Tom Cruise masterpiece Cocktail.
2. An empty plastic box that used to hold moistened baby wipes: There is something irresistible about this empty box. He’ll play with this for hours, carrying it around and moving things in and out of it. We’ve started putting snacks in the box at night, which surely encourages the notion of the box being magical. Years from now my son will probably fail some sort of college entrance exam because he still believes deep down in his heart that Cheerios regularly materialize from thin air and appear in mysterious places.
3. A Newcastle Brown Ale Refrigerator Magnet: We bought my son several packages of magnetic letters and numbers for the refrigerator which he mostly ignores, but he’s completely fascinated with this giant refrigerator magnet which resemble a beer bottle cap. I think I got it years ago in exchange for trying a Newcastle Brown Ale at my local Mexican food joint. I don’t remember much of the evening, but I do remember the next morning when I realized that Newcastle Brown Ale and Mexican food should never, ever mix.
4. A paper plate left over from his first birthday party: Our son loves to walk around with this and simply place put it down, toddle around for a while, and then come back and move it again. I like to think he’s training to be a famous Food TV chef, but he’s more likely preparing to be out of work actor who needs to make ends meet by waiting tables.
5. A red plastic Dixie cup: He loves running around the room with this red plastic cup like a college frat boy running from apartment to apartment on campus. The refrigerator magnet, the plastic bottles and the plastic cup pretty much cinch it. I can deny it all I want, but I think it’s pretty clear that my son is going to be a raging alcoholic.
I’m going to simply let him keep playing with these ghetto-fabulous toys for the moment and hope he eventually migrates over to the toys that our friends and family actually spent money on. He’s a happy kid and these toys are mostly harmless, so I see no reason to take them away. As parents we’re simply trying to encourage him to explore his world and learn and play as much as he can.
In the meantime I’ve got my eye on a nice empty two liter plastic soda bottle and my wife wants to get him his very own Amazon.com cardboard box he can carry around. I can’t wait for Christmas!
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4 Responses to “My Ghetto Toy Lovin’ Toddler”
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MadJay says:
AWWWWWW!!!! I H A T E those DAMNED Toy packages!
I totally lost it on a Pink Pony set for my daughter - Thanks Toy Companies!! She got to see daddy war-raging through the house, combat knife in hand and working over a Little Pony box - “Get Sum”! Cutting and slashing ties, clamps, little hidden nylons and invisible plastic sleeves.
What Gives!!!
I’m a man with a plan these days…I go heads-up on the box, right on through the sides with my combat knife. Which I keep nice and sharp and oiled these days…. >:)October 12th, 2007 at 8:42 am -
Caveman says:
Mmmmm New Castle Brown. Your boy has some good taste. New Castle is in my top 10. If you can get him pounding Guiness by his fifth birthday I might actually shed a tear or two.
-Caveman
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VE says:
See…you give him the presents but then you don’t let him actually open any of the toys by saying “No, no, no. Opening them would reduce their resale value on ebay by 80%”
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Cassandra Rae says:
Beautifully written! Children have this fabulous way of showing us big kids the essence of life….and it has nothing to do with money!!!
I think it would be cool if you took all the toys and stored them away to see if he would notice. And then whenever he gets bored you can give him one to play with…the newness might keep him occupied for hours :~)