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Claritan D… it’ll make you feel good.
“Hey, Man… You, with the stuffy nose and red eyes… you wanna get high? I’ve got it all right here: Maximum Strength Sudafed, Tylenol Cold & Sinus, Actifed, Benedryl in ten different flavors, Aleve-D, you name it! Don’t worry, this is all real, from behind the counter and 100% pure. What’s that? Ohhh… you’re serious. You’re hardcore. Yeah, I got what you’re looking for… It’ll cost you… Sweet! Here ya go, man… Claritan-D!”
More than a few people have pointedly sent me messages asking if I was dead, had lost both my hands in thresher or “got injured in some kind of horrible smelting accident” (Thank you, Caveman). I’ll have you know that I am a Class 3 Certified Smelting Instructor with a Licensed Specialization in Smelting Safety.
The truth of the matter is that I, like a lot of people, have been cursing my freely elected democratic government and plotting its overthrow due to its obvious hatred of all those United State citizens who are prone to allergies, colds, the flu or any other illness that causes one to produce snot (scientific term, from the Latin: “boogers“).
In case you haven’t been living on planet Earth very long, the US Federal Government decided last September to put Federal Government decided to put the nasal clearing wonder-drug of Pseudoephedrine in the same illegal and dangerous classification as Drano-laced crystal meth and Chinese made toys. They did this because a few bad eggs were buying truckloads of cold medicine, working voodoo magic, and ending up with a bathtub of crystal meth made from the Pseudoephedrine contained in these wonder drugs.
The logic goes like this: if one in 10,000 people out there are doing something illegal then we’d sure as hell better inconvenience and penalize the 9,999 who aren’t. As I’ve stated before, I can anonymously buy pallets of fertilizer and barrels of gasoline with nothing more than a handful of Benjamins, but I can’t go into a store and plop down a $5 bill without being tracked in a nationwide database if I want to stop my sniffles.
Of course, everyone knows that laws like these that are designed to control access to certain substances work perfectly Consider the raging success of “Prohibition” and “The War on Drugs.” Now the US is completely alcohol and drug free! Amazing!
Ahem.
In truth this new law is decreasing the amount of methamphetamines being made from cold medicine. Now the drug dealers just sell the cold medicine on the street for twice the value, skipping that whole hydrochloric acid in the bathtub thing.
Over the past nine months or so I have experienced debilitating sinus headaches, crushing ear pain, difficulty breathing and dizziness and fatigue. And no, I have not been watching prime-time television. All of this discomfort and pain comes from my obviously deficient DNA and a government that clearly wants me dead.
I have seen doctors. Lots of them. Some of them even spoke English without an accent. All of them said the same thing: “Maybe it’s a virus. We can’t treat a virus, you know. You have insurance, right?”
It’s only in the past few days that I’ve begun to feel like a normal human being thanks to some underground contacts I’ve made who have been able to buy Pseudoephedrine under their own names and then sold me their supply because I’d already met my limit for the month. It is indeed a sad day when the only thing I’ve asked for my parents as a present for Christmas is “some Aleve Cold and Sinus.”
Before I go off to stand in a steamy shower for the next 30 minutes, I wish to especially hope that Kathleen from New York, who left an excellently funny and heart-felt comment a few days ago feels better by now. At the very least I hope she’s bought some quality fake IDs so she can go from drugstore to drugstore stocking up on cold medicine.
Because, you know, those guys making meth in their basements would never be smart enough to think of that.
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3 Responses to “My Drug of Choice: Pseudoephedrine”
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Caveman says:
Another great post. I’m glad to hear that you’re still alive, albeit all jacked up at the moment.
I totally agree with you about Big Brother in our lives. I really loved the rights we used to have.
It’s all about to selling you meds for the symptoms not finding a cure anymore. There’s no money in cures. Bastards.
Glad you’re back dude. Now I need to go wash my hands after visiting your blog, don’t wanna catch that crap from ya. Just kiddin’.
-Caveman
December 29th, 2007 at 11:57 am -
Paul says:
Tom,
you poor bastard. How can you hold onto your little boy with your hands all snotty like that. Its time to get an ID in the kids name and have HIM buy daddy some aleve.
I feel your pain though because my wife suffers something fierce from the same affliction as you do. Must be a woman thing… i jest.
I swear this whole thing started when one of those letter writers watched a Law and Order SVU episode about 2 years back all the sudden everyone with the sniffles is a criminal, well more so than usual.
I love the image but you shouldn’t waste your drugs like that. Ok I’m done attempting to be funny i need more coffee now…
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Jan Bay says:
I have wondered why they have not put Drano behind the counter along with the meds containing Pseudoephedrine. Lye has been pulled from the shelves (I have tried to find some to make soap), but not Drano. Lye is essential to a good batch of homemade soap, and cold meds are helpful if you have a runny nose…yet I’ve NEVER been able to get a stopped drain clear using Drano. They make laws to pull the useful stuff and leave the junk that doesn’t do its job in the stores. Go figure.
Jan