Dear Daycare Providers:

I am writing to express my concern over the seemingly disproportional amount of time my son is spending on art projects involving the excessive use of glitter. When we first enrolled our son at your daycare center (Sorry, you call it a “Primary Learning Center”) we were told there would numerous educational, social and physical activities for my son to partake in on a daily basis. We were not informed that they would, in some way, involve copious amounts of glitter.

My wife and I cheered with delight when our son first brought home a paper star covered in glitter with a loop of yarn run through it. It was a clever Christmas decoration and we had fun putting it on our Christmas tree. We were equally delighted when, a week later, he brought home a paper snowman who had a red glitter scarf and real sticks attached with about a pound and half of Elmer’s glue. But week after week we noticed each and every art project that came home had an enormous amount of glitter, regardless of the topic. Some memorable examples:

I don’t know what these are, but they have glitter so you can call them ‘art.’

In January we received a glitter encrusted “snow ball” with was nothing more than a white paper bag filled with scrap paper, taped into a ball shape and then clearly dunked in glue and silver glitter.

February brought us Valentine hearts drenched in red glitter. That was understandable and a bit cute. The use of the same red glitter on a paper George Washington’s lips was just weird and the glitter bombed cherry tree that followed two days later confirmed that you were just trying to use up the rest of the red glitter you had in the closet. I half expected a paper Lincoln to come home with a giant red glitter splat on the back of his head. Oh, and that Groundhog’s day project of a paper groundhog weighted down with gold and brown glitter? Atrocious and disturbing. Where on earth do you find brown glitter and why did you buy it by the pound?

March wasn’t much better. My son brought home a “wind catcher” which was nothing more than a weirdly shaped piece of paper with every color of glitter imaginable stuck to it (yes, even brown!) He then showed presented an “apple” which was nothing more than the snow ball project with red glitter instead of silver. I didn’t know apples grew in the spring, by the way. The last March project, a silver glitter encrusted squirrel with red glitter eyes, was just creepy and confusing. We had it hanging in on the refrigerator door but my son refused to go into the kitchen while it was there. We took it down, but the damage had been done: every time I pointed out a real squirrel in the yard to my toddler son he would grab his eyes and start screaming hysterically.

For April his class had a “construction” theme and he made a glitter caked bulldozer and dump truck which looked as though it was the vehicular equivalent of something that you might see in a Mad Max version of Priscillla, Queen of the Desert. I’m not one to criticize artistic license, but this was one fruity looking piece of heavy equipment. I’m shocked you didn’t make my son glue a feather boa on it and write his name in lipstick.

I think I’ve made my point. It isn’t that I don’t appreciate the value of art projects, but I have to seriously question the career opportunities that await someone who is an expert in applying glitter to things. Liberace is dead and probably not coming back, so he definitely doesn’t need any new jumpsuits. Elton John dresses like an old man now that he came out of the closet, so I don’t see any real job opportunities that don’t involve casino showgirls or lots of dollar bills. Let’s face it: glitter just isn’t all that fashionable, even amongst the …dare I say it?… Glitterati.

Perhaps the larger issue is not the frequency and downright silly places that my son is using glitter, but rather the sheer abundant quantity.

All these glitter-holding projects do not actually hold their glitter for very long. The seats in my car, the furniture in our home, the hair on our dog, the fur on our cats and even the grass in my lawn all sparkle with glitter flecks as the sunlight hits them. This wouldn’t be so bad if the grass glitter was all green, but that’s just being silly. On one particularly bright afternoon my neighbor across the street asked if I had installed a mirrored disco ball in our living room. I had to explain that it was simply the glitter that had stuck to our ceiling fan. I went on a business trip last month and I had enough glitter stuck to the bottom of my shoes to set off the airport metal detector. And, yes, I’ve changed diapers that glinted in the light a Winnie The Pooh lamp.

I implore you… nay, beg you, to find some other art projects that don’t involve sticking thousands of pieces of shiny foil or plastic or whatever the hell glitter is to things that are not shiny. Maybe you could give his class some crayons to eat or some Play Doh to stick in his hair or some permanent markers to use on the walls. I’m not picky. I appreciate your time and thank you for your attention to this matter.

A Concerned Parent,

[tags]glitter, humor, parenting, art projects, scary squirrel[/tags]

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So you’re tired of that crusty brown-stained white plastic Mr. Coffee Deluxe sitting on your kitchen counter doling out lukewarm cups of caffeinated dishwater each morning? Are you looking to upgrade your coffee maker to something more fitting of a man or woman in your position in life? Are you simply rich and stupid and like good coffee? Then why not gather up some of that spare change from under the couch cushions and go out and buy yourself an exorbitantly expensive coffee maker?

Here are a few to choose from…

Vroom, Vroom!

Lamborghini Coffee Maker – $1750 – Sure, you have the Lamborghini watch, the jacket, the coffee mug and the numerous posters with half naked women in European fashion swimsuits tacked up all over your apartment. They go well with your puffy black faux leather couches your halogen stand lamps and your framed Nagel posters. And even though you have plenty of refrigerator magnets, you somehow think your 12 square foot galley kitchen needs just a little more chrome to really impress the swarms of women (or mom and grandmom) when they visit. You need to blow your wad on the only coffeemaker that is known for making high-end Italian sports cars that are prominently featured in B-Movies from the 1980s. Featuring a gear-shift type handle, the Lamborghini logo (etched in shiny chromish steel…duh) and numerous other phallic pipes and tubes, this hand-built machine is perfect for the person who likes to make coffee while wearing driving gloves. Don’t blame me if the coffee ends up tasting like engine oil: it probably is.

Who cares if it makes good coffee? Having this sexy number on your counter almost assures you’ll get lucky with that cute Bohemian Starbucks chick.

Jura-Capresso Coffee Makers – $500-$3300 – For the discerning coffee nerd who doesn’t necessarily want to downshift his coffee maker each morning, the impressive-sounding Impressa line of Jura-Capresso coffee makers is… umm… impressive. A new line of JURA Signature series coffee makers was recently announced that features Swarovski crystal encrusted knobs, “unblemished cowhide leather” and even Rhodium! Imagine! The product descriptions includes big, impressive phrases such as “ThermoBlock system”, “two Frothing Systems”, “Claris Filter Burr Grinder Release Tool” and “Measuring Scoop Video.” Yes, some of these machines include a video on how to scoop coffee. You don’t have to be smart, you just have to be rich.

Clover - $11,000 – The Clover Coffee Maker was invented by three Stanford graduates and it allows you to control just about every aspect of making a cup of coffee from water temperature, dose amount and even extraction time. Everything is controlled with a computer and saved in a database so when you finally get that perfect cup of coffee you can save your preferences and come back again and again until the hard drive crashes or there’s some software update that doesn’t work or your Internet connection goes down or hackers break into your coffee maker and starting using it as a porn server or… well, you get the idea. If you want to see one in action, go check out some of the Clover videos on YouTube. Clover’s website actually has a little “Find A Clover” page if you find yourself getting all hot and bothered by the videos. Clover has recently been assimilated by Starbucks, so expect them to screw it up.

I’m think I’m turning Japanese…

Siphon Bar – $20,000 – Sure, lots of professional coffee houses have Clover coffee makers. How about something a bit pricier and more original? How about something that requires talent to use? How about something… Japanese? Why not check out the Siphon Bar, a rather pricey magical machine that requires months of physical training and mountains of mental prowess just to operate? Fire this halogen powered baby up and the lights dim for four city blocks in every direction. While the Clover is all computerized mechanics, the siphon bar is pure Coffee Ninja training requiring a Buddha’s mastery of patience and skill complete with a little bamboo paddle. It could only be more Japanese if it turned into a giant robotic wombat and fired plasma bolts from its belly.

Roasting Plant Javabot – $1,000,000(?) – Maybe crazy Japanese coffee makers aren’t your cup of…coffee. Maybe instead you need a cup o’ joe that was made by a crazy American coffee maker. Then you’ll want to visit New York City’s Roasting Plant and see their unique Javabot. It’s a robotic system that actually wraps around the entire store (so you’re enjoying your coffee inside the coffee maker) and it manages the entire coffee process, from green coffee bean to roasting to grinding to pouring and all the important steps in between. Just like the internet, the entire system is based off tubes that run all over the place. No word on whether or not creator Mike Caswell will be employing Oompa Loompas in the future or letting any more school groups go on factory tours.

There you have it, a list of the world’s most expensive coffee makers!

Of course wouldn’t want to spend all this money and then dump that Folgers crap into one of these machines. Instead you’d want an expensive coffee that’s actually worthy of these machines. You could go to Amazon and order up a 10 pound bag of Jamaica Blue Mountain: Mavis Bank Estate Coffee that hovers around $50 per pound, but then you’d be cheating yourself of one of life’s greatest coffee pleasures: drinking coffee made from poop.

My cat making coffee for you.

Yes, the world’s most expensive coffee is commonly known as Kopi Luwak and its tremendous value comes from fact that all of these coffee beans used for this coffee have been eaten and pooped out by the Asian Palm Civet, a small furry animal that is kind of like a large housecat. The coffee generally sells for anywhere between about $140 – $250 per pound.

This is, of course, completely ridiculous. I would gladly sell the coffee bean poop of my own cat for a mere $80 per pound. His name is Bailey.

When ordering please let me know if you’d like it with or without hairballs.

[tags]expensive coffee, siphon bar, clover coffee maker, kopi luwak, Lamborghini, giant robot wombat[/tags]

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