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Once again hurricanes are in the headlines and once again I have a morbid and unnatural fascination not with the storms themselves but with how the media chooses to report on them. I imagine reporters are given “Hurricane Stories” in the same way that privates in the Army are given “latrine duty.” Both jobs are doled out as the ultimate punishment for bad performance.
What the experts predict Florida will look like after every hurricane.
“Ted, as the Editor-in-Chief of this news organization I’ve noticed that your stories have not been very newsworthy. In the past three months you have not once mentioned computer hackers breaking into your home, celebrity divorces or Lindsay Lohan’s breasts!”
“But, sir, all I cover is the Weekly Farm Report.”
“And if you can’t find a way to mention Jessica Simpson’s rump, then I’m not interested. I’m sorry, Ted, but I’m going to have to give you another assignment.”
“What… but… Oh, God! No, sir, I’m sorry! I promise I’ll find some way to bring Britney Spears into the local hog trading market watch! It will be easy!”
“Sorry, Ted, it’s too late for that. I need you to go to Florida and… cover a hurricane.”
“Nooooooooooo!!!!!!…”
So poor Ted gets shipped off the Florida where he is given three specific tasks:
1. Go to a hurricane shelter and interview someone whose IQ is three points higher than his shoe size.
“Umm…wow.. I’m on TV! My name is Stanley Wabash, Jr….and I haven’t seen a hurricane like this for at least three weeks. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I just lost my job at the local Wal-Mart after I was caught sniffin the women’s shoes, I have seven kids and eight dogs to feed and the trailer just ain’t going to be the same without a roof. Just hopin’ my meth lab and dog-fighting ring survives this gosh-darn storm… Can I saw gosh-darn on TV?”
2. Interview a local scientist about the storm, being sure to include the worst case scenario as though it will inevitably happen.
“And as these charts and cool computer graphics demonstrate, you can expect most of the southern United States to be under a hundred feet of water by noon. And that’s when things will get really bad because by early evening we expect at least one, maybe two, meteors to come crashing down through the hurricane and flatten Disney World during their annual Orphans are Fun celebration. So if you haven’t been drowned by the rain then you’ll definitely be crushed or burned to a crisp by the explosion.”
3. Walk around outside during the hurricane while screaming into the microphone about how strong the wind is.
“As you can see by the way I’m cold, drenched and half-dead, this is a really wild storm. Everyone in the city has been evacuated and told to stay indoors, so only the truly mentally incompetent people among the population would be out here, in all this rain and wind while holding a bunch of electrical equipment like microphones and cameras. Hey, look, there’s a truck being pick up by the storm and blowing right towa-AAAUGGGHHhhhhh…..”
None of this news coverage is actually helping anyone in the storm. All those people are doing one of two things: they’re either huddled in concrete buildings without any power and eating meals consisting of granola bars and cans of warm soda or they are sitting around the pool of a hotel three hundred miles away drinking Mai-Thais and figuring out how many home theater systems and Rolex watches they can safely claim on their insurance forms.
Hurricane coverage has become nothing more than reality TV on a grand scale where the bulk of the television audience can sit back and smugly announce: “Well, they got what they deserved. Serves them right for living there. Hey, Hon, we have any more Cheese Doodles?”
The sad truth is that all the major “news” organizations treat tragedies like this as a great opportunity to gain viewers and sell commercials and I’m not going to feed into this vicious cycle anymore. I’m going to turn off the news when it begins to get too exploitive and I’m going to do the one thing I can do to help victims of tragedies: I’m going to pay more attention to Lindsay Lohan’s breasts.