I’d like to tell you all about the new Jura Signature Range Espresso machines not because I’m actually a coffee conossoir and not because this line of coffee makers and espresso machines will clearly rank somewhere in my list of the world’s most expensive coffee makers, but rather because I was sent a press release and haven’t written anything else in a while.
See, I wrote about a bunch of really expensive coffee machines a while ago and now I regularly get emails from companies that want me to promote their stuff. This is not a bad thing, but these emails never include a free coffee maker sent to my home.
These Jura Signature Range Espresso machines are no different. JURA is apparently a “luxury Swiss coffee brand” that makes incredibly shiny machines that excel at making drinks like espresso, coffee, capresso, Cappuccino, Latte, Macchiato, Ristretto, Ralph Macchio and a bunch of other drinks I’ve never heard of. The press release was dated as “Xx Feburary 2009″ so I know that the Jura press office is pretty serious about what they send out. They were probably on their third Venti Ristretto Latte when they wrote it.
Sex! Coffee Machines!
Freudian?
The first full page of this press release is dedicated not to how wonderful the machine is or how the coffee it makes will temporarily give you superpowers or how Jura is dominating the Swiss millionaire coffee machine market.
The first page of the Jura Signature Range coffee maker press release is, essentially, about sex.
It starts out by explaining how the Jura Signature range is an upgrade to three of Jura’s current models: the Z5, J5 and ENA 5. They sound sort of like BMW models, except for the ENA 5, which kind of sounds like an Enya cover band. The press release mentions that these luxury Jura espresso machines are made of “only the finest of rare and natural materials” which immediately has me thinking that they are made of elephant ivory, bald eagle beaks and those crystals that Superman used to build his private North Pole bachelor pad.
The next paragraph goes on:
Designed to perfectly complement the most glamorous of kitchens; the dazzling Signature Z5 incorporates a solid aluminium panel electroplated with Rhodium, an extremely rare and expensive precious metal, to produce an unusual mystical sheen. For that ultimate wow-factor, the Signature Z5 also flaunts a spectacular sparkling rotary switch, encrusted with a triple band of perfectly cut Swarovski crystals.
The “rare and expensive precious metal” and “mystial sheen” could easily be describing the +5 Magical Sword and Crown of the Green Ogre King, but no, it’s the JURA Z5 coffee maker. That’s the dinner and heavy petting part of the sales pitch. It continues…
Available in a choice of two rare and exclusive veneers, Columbian Walnut or Northern Birch… Considerable time and care is taken to source and prepare the veneers; Columbian Walnut is exposed to controlled doses of natural sunlight to achieve a desired colour. Uses of Northern Birch are under strict regulation due to its extremely slow growth in cold inhospitable areas of Siberia, limiting its uses to rare occasions.
Notice that I wasn’t too far off with the idea of using elephant ivory. I imagine a team of Siberian mountain men trudging thousands of miles to reach a single, solitary Norther Birch tree in the middle of nowhere and then they gently and lovingly carve off a single branch, pack it in velvet and march back thousands of miles to meet up with a Swiss Jura executive in a $1000 suit who is standing in a hotel lobby tapping his foot impatiently. When he’s presented with the branch he grabs it and says, “Ya, ya, ya… here are your 30 Rubles. Now get another.”
Ahem. This is clearly the foreplay part of the sale where we learn that this coffee maker is so damn rare and sexy that you should be lucky to be in the same room with it. Time to move in for the kill.
The last paragraph informs us that the Signature ENA 5 is available with…
…two vibrant shades of leather – Speed Red or Sports Brown. Using the same high quality unblemished cowhide as prestige cars, the Signature ENA 5 is sensuous to both touch and smell. With environmentally friendly dyeing and trimming carried out to perfection, the panels are hand-stitched by traditional craftsmanship.
Speed Red or Sports Brown? Sensuous to both touch and smell? We’re not talking about a sports car or a Las Vegas hooker. Heck, that’s not even describing the coffee or the beans. That’s just the damn coffee maker. It’s both environmentally friendly (gentle), trimmed perfectly (neat and clean) and hand-stitched (okay, okay I’ll stop).
Do you know how many Siberians died to make this coffee machine?
The last half page of the press release mentions that the Jura Signature range of coffee makers actually DO make coffee and the aforementioned drinks, have a bunch of cool features, will ONLY be sold in Harrods (and a bunch of other stores), will be available in June 2009 and will probably cost a lot more than you have, so don’t bother asking.
Ahem.
If you want to learn more about the Jura signature line of coffee machines they do list the address of the Jura website which has brief mention of the Signature line in the News section. This would be a great idea except for the fact that the link entitled “JURA Signature Line” appears to be hardcoded to Jura’s 404-Page Not Found page.
Don’t get me wrong: All the Jura espresso machines look pretty cool and I’m pretty sure any single one of their machines could beat up all my kitchen appliances (and probably my car) in a fight. I just think that trying to market jewel-encrusted coffee makers made from rare Siberian trees and fine-smelling leather and trying to sell them during to sex-starved consumers while the world’s economic systems twirl down the toilet is going to be a rough sell.
And for those of you who can afford the JURA signature range: I applaud you and would like to gently remind you that you can buy all your Jura coffee makers and supplies at Amazon.com
Me? I’m sticking with my two year old $14.99 Black and Decker white plastic coffee maker that I got on clearance. Don’t get me wrong: I still value luxury and the finer things in life.
Tomorrow I’m going to yank out the old Bedazzler
Sadly, I don’t think any of those things will improve my chances of getting sex. I mean, I’m no Ralph Macchio.