If I had to sum up the average visitor’s experience to this blog in one word it would be disapointment.

The typical reaction of visitors to this site.

I use a little Wordpress plugin called wp-shortstat which shows me all sorts of statistics about this blog which are fascinating but mostly useless. One of the more amusing features of this plugin is the ability to see what search engine keywords brought people to this site.

It is from this list of keywords that I’m able to see that most visitors to this site are not finding anything useful whatsoever and probably leaving angry and frustrated at being duped into reading the stupid things written here.

So I thought I’d present some of the more recent keyword searches that brought people to SpillingCoffee.com along with what the person really found:

I don’t want to leave you with the impression that everything I write is complete garbage. It is, but I don’t want to leave you with that impression.

By far the largest source of traffic to this site is a post I wrote a while ago about how to fix an iPod with the sad iPod icon. There are lots of comments and lots of people very pleased with the results of my low-cost fix.

I think Apple charges about $250 or so to fix an iPod with the sad iPod icon. The post has been up for about a year and that post averages about 200 visitors a day. If you do the math that means that about 73,000 people have fixed their iPods without paying Apple Computers a dime. That works out to around $18,250,000 in saved service fees that would have gone to Steve Jobs. Strangely, I have seen very little of that saved $18 million.

You can tell a lot about your blog readers by what they are searching for, and I can tell you that most of my readers are deranged and perverted lunatics with broken iPods who are desperately seeking things here that simply don’t exist.

I take that as a compliment and I thank you for your support.

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Tom Coffee drinking Tom’s Coffee on the Spilling Coffee with Tom Coffee Blog

I thought I’d spray some happy shiny sunshine on all your miserable depressed souls out in readership land and point you to even more Tom Coffee stuff than the normal Tom Coffee stuff you normally read here on Tom Coffee’s website.

A few weeks ago I was features on the blog interview site that goes by the name of Mr. Joe Blog’s Blog. He calls his blog Mr. Joe Blog’s Blog because his name is apparently Matt Clark. Some would argue that perhaps it should be called “Matt Clark’s Blog” but apparently Matt… Err… Mr. Joe… will have none of it.

I’m not entirely sure if I should be flattered or insulted or simply bewildered by why he chose to feature me out of all the bazillions of blogs out there. He seems to feature two blogs a day: one is usually from some guy who takes himself too seriously and tries really hard to be funny and one is almost always from some hot chick who has people visiting her blog like mad to see if she’s posted any photos.

My interview was not the hot chick one.

So without further ado (like me writing “without further ado”) I present to you Mr. Joe Blog’s Tom Coffee Interview.

If you really want to twist the knife in your own eye you can also read about SpillingCoffee.com.

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Ahh, the ubiquitous “Hello world” post.

When the aliens finally get here I’m pretty sure their first message to us will be “Hello world!” followed shortly thereafter by, “We’re really pissed at you guys for polluting the entire universe with your inane and insulting television programming over the last half century. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to have Three’s Company reruns bouncing around the galaxy and mucking up interstellar communication in every direction for thirty lightyears? You can’t imagine how angry we get when we’re just about to find out who killed Zorb on Gologon: Quest for Glory and suddenly we see the ghost-like image of Mr. Roper wagging a finger at Jack Tripper and warning him not to hit on his brother when, really, Jack would much rather give it to Mr. Roper’s hot blonde neice who is visiting from out of town.”

And then they (the aliens, not Mr. Roper and Jack Tripper) will enslave our men and turn our women into alien incubators and take all our parking spaces and, just to add insult to injury, make us all watch the later episodes of Gologon: Quest for Glory when all the actors were on strike and replaced with their “cousins” in a lame attempt to keep raitings up and finish out the season.

This post is my tribute to those aliens. That’s why I’m keeping the ‘Hello world!’ title on my first post.

My name is Tom. Tom Coffee.

And, yes, I do drink a lot of coffee. Life’s funny that way.

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