Claritan D… it’ll make you feel good.

“Hey, Man… You, with the stuffy nose and red eyes… you wanna get high? I’ve got it all right here: Maximum Strength Sudafed, Tylenol Cold & Sinus, Actifed, Benedryl in ten different flavors, Aleve-D, you name it! Don’t worry, this is all real, from behind the counter and 100% pure. What’s that? Ohhh… you’re serious. You’re hardcore. Yeah, I got what you’re looking for… It’ll cost you… Sweet! Here ya go, man… Claritan-D!”

More than a few people have pointedly sent me messages asking if I was dead, had lost both my hands in thresher or “got injured in some kind of horrible smelting accident” (Thank you, Caveman). I’ll have you know that I am a Class 3 Certified Smelting Instructor with a Licensed Specialization in Smelting Safety.

The truth of the matter is that I, like a lot of people, have been cursing my freely elected democratic government and plotting its overthrow due to its obvious hatred of all those United State citizens who are prone to allergies, colds, the flu or any other illness that causes one to produce snot (scientific term, from the Latin: “boogers“).

In case you haven’t been living on planet Earth very long, the US Federal Government decided last September to put Federal Government decided to put the nasal clearing wonder-drug of Pseudoephedrine in the same illegal and dangerous classification as Drano-laced crystal meth and Chinese made toys. They did this because a few bad eggs were buying truckloads of cold medicine, working voodoo magic, and ending up with a bathtub of crystal meth made from the Pseudoephedrine contained in these wonder drugs.

The logic goes like this: if one in 10,000 people out there are doing something illegal then we’d sure as hell better inconvenience and penalize the 9,999 who aren’t. As I’ve stated before, I can anonymously buy pallets of fertilizer and barrels of gasoline with nothing more than a handful of Benjamins, but I can’t go into a store and plop down a $5 bill without being tracked in a nationwide database if I want to stop my sniffles.

Of course, everyone knows that laws like these that are designed to control access to certain substances work perfectly Consider the raging success of “Prohibition” and “The War on Drugs.” Now the US is completely alcohol and drug free! Amazing!

Ahem.

In truth this new law is decreasing the amount of methamphetamines being made from cold medicine. Now the drug dealers just sell the cold medicine on the street for twice the value, skipping that whole hydrochloric acid in the bathtub thing.

Over the past nine months or so I have experienced debilitating sinus headaches, crushing ear pain, difficulty breathing and dizziness and fatigue. And no, I have not been watching prime-time television. All of this discomfort and pain comes from my obviously deficient DNA and a government that clearly wants me dead.

I have seen doctors. Lots of them. Some of them even spoke English without an accent. All of them said the same thing: “Maybe it’s a virus. We can’t treat a virus, you know. You have insurance, right?”

It’s only in the past few days that I’ve begun to feel like a normal human being thanks to some underground contacts I’ve made who have been able to buy Pseudoephedrine under their own names and then sold me their supply because I’d already met my limit for the month. It is indeed a sad day when the only thing I’ve asked for my parents as a present for Christmas is “some Aleve Cold and Sinus.”

Before I go off to stand in a steamy shower for the next 30 minutes, I wish to especially hope that Kathleen from New York, who left an excellently funny and heart-felt comment a few days ago feels better by now. At the very least I hope she’s bought some quality fake IDs so she can go from drugstore to drugstore stocking up on cold medicine.

Because, you know, those guys making meth in their basements would never be smart enough to think of that.

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Okay, now Buy.com is really making “The List.”

This morning I ranted about Buy.com selling me a Nintendo Wii package and then unexpectedly saying the order was suspiciously on “backorder” two days after the order was placed and confirmed. I suspect Buy.com was tricking customers into placing Wii orders for game systems they never had.

Tonight I logged onto Buy.com and found that they have my order status as “Canceled” with no explanation, no email to me and no customer service number to call. So I sent them an email over a half hour ago requesting the Buy.com customer service phone number (as they politely told me I could request). Their customer service site says I should receive an automated reply from Buy.com in a matter of about 5 minutes. Surprise! Thirty minutes later and I’m still sitting here waiting for an automated response. And while Buy.com failed to give me the number, Google’s magic did not. It is 1-800-800-0800. I’ve been on hold for about an hour now.

At about the same time I found that my Buy.com order was canceled, I found that Buy.com was offering yet another and much more expensive Wii bundle for sale this evening. Here, then is the question of the day:

So how can my Nintendo Wii order from Tuesday be on backorder and/or canceled, but Buy.com still has enough inventory to offer more Nintendo Wiis for sale on Thursday night?

I don’t know the answer. I know that I ordered a Nintendo Wii bundle for about $440. I know my order was canceled with no explanation and I know that I was then given the opportunity to spend $628 if I wish to buy a similar item.

Thanks, Buy.com.

I take comfort in the fact that I’m not the only one who hates Buy.com.

Back to the great Wii Hunt of 2007…

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I’ve never been a big fan of Buy.com. I think their prices are generally lousy, I think their customer service is pretty crappy and their web presence just never excited me very much because I’ve never had anything I actually, you know…wanted.

I bought this Wii Bundle from Buy.com. I have no idea if I’ll actually receive it.

So I was kind of surprised when they started selling Wii Bundles on Tuesday night. Selling a Wii with a “bundle” of accessories is a pretty cheesy way to increase your profit on a popular item while decreasing your inventory of crap that wouldn’t otherwise sell on its own. I don’t mind stores making a profit so I went to Buy.com knowing that bundles were basically crap and that I probably wouldn’t buy anything.

The bundle included a couple games, a Wii console and a remote charging station. I had no interest in it, but on a whim I called my sister-in-law who said “OH MY GOD!! I CAN’T FIND THOSE ANYWHERE!! I NEED ONE FOR YOUR NIECE!!” Yes, she actually spoke in capital letters, which is quite a trick. It turns out that my 12-year-old niece has been asking for a Wii since her birthday in August and my sister-in-law has not been able to get one.

I sighed heavily, knowing that if I bought this I wouldn’t be able to sell it on eBay, but would have to give it to a family member at cost.

I hate doing the right thing.

But I did.

I bought the Buy.com Super Mario Bundle that night. The charge went through, I received a confirmation page and later a confirmation email. Everything was hunky dory and I’d basically completed my sister-in-law’s christmas shopping three weeks early.

Until this morning… Buy.com sent me an email stating that the amazingly hard-to-get Nintendo Wii that they sold me really, kinda, maybe doesn’t exist. The email is kind of vague because the Nintendo Wii bundles includes a bunch of pieces, all of which may ship separately. But Buy.com just treats it all as one big item. The whole darn bundle is apparently on “backorder” which tells me that Buy.com may not have actually had the Nintendo Wiis to sell in the first place or there was, at the very least, a pretty awful misunderstanding somewhere along the supply chain. I can understand this happening from time to time, but when you’re offering something that is already known to be in short-supply, you really should have all your ducks in a row and know exactly how many you can offer your customers.

I don’t know if this is Buy.com’s fault, but as one of their reluctant customers I have to blame them for the moment. The scarcity of the Nintendo Wii makes this situation all the more frustrating and just a little bit suspicious sounding.

Below is the full text of the email. It really is pretty vague, but I guess I should be thankful they contacted me at all.

Hello Thomas,

We are writing to let you know that we are experiencing a delay in being able to fulfill one or more items on your order #xxxxxxx. We apologize for any inconvenience this might cause you.

The item(s) affected by this backorder notification are:

Order #xxxxxxx

sku: 205515545
description: Nintendo Wii Super Mario Bundle
qty: 1
——————————————————–

Items not listed above are not affected by this backorder notification.

Your order status can change quickly as we do our best to fulfill your order, and it’s possible that by the time you read this email the delay affecting your order might have been fixed. It’s also possible that the items you ordered could still be unavailable.

To check your current order status, please visit https://secure.buy.com/corp/support/login.asp. From there you can determine if you would like to wait for your items to ship or if you would like to cancel all or part of your order. From there, you can also track shipments already sent to you, change your account information, and update your ship to address and payment information.

If you choose to wait for the item(s) to ship, we will get your products to you as fast as we can and we appreciate your patience.

If you can’t wait and you choose to cancel, the cancellation will go through immediately as long as the item has not entered the shipping process. If it has entered the shipping process you won’t be able to cancel it. However, it will ship to you within a day or two and you can always refuse it or contact us for a return number so you can send it back to us for a full refund including shipping.

We sincerely apologize for this inconvenience. Please note you will not be charged for any cancelled items.

If you have any questions, please visit us at buy.com/support.

We appreciate your business.

Sincerely,

Customer Support
If you need phone support, we will be happy to email you our number.

I personally like the bit where they don’t even list a phone number to call. I have to email them asking for it. Nice touch. I’ll probably keep the order open for the moment and just try to snag another Wii online later in the month from a more reputable retailer.

Make your own judgment.

Me, I’m not going to use Buy.com again. Ever.

Note: I had every intention this morning of sitting down and writing up a quick little guide to some of the services I’m using to get a Nintendo Wii online. But this email from Buy.com really kinda ticked me off. I’ll write about how to get the Wii online tomorrow.

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